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Relationships on Female First
Rebecca Dakin is notorious. I'm using that word quite specifically as if you haven't heard of her you're either not from the UK or you're rather sheltered. You see Rebecca Dakin doesn't claim to be a moral purveyor or upholder of treasured values, and far from being clandestine, Rebecca is resoundingly vocal. As a former high class escort she has travelled the world, dined at most Micheline starred restaurants, holidayed aboard the best yachts and frequented premiers. Still only in her thirties, she has made the bestseller list with her book The Girlfriend Experience, made sex documentaries with Richard E Grant, and is now a therapist, couples coach and presenter of all things erotic.
When I met Rebecca to interview, I felt like I was in safe hands. You see beyond her stunning Amazonian exterior ignited by lashings of lilac interwoven with blonde hair and her coiffed retro look, Rebecca is a notable charmer. As she describes the creation of her latest book, its focus on intimacy and erogenous zones in relationships amid a culture dying from the pretenders in porn, I am struck by her warmness and confidence. Rarely do I feel so comfortable in new company so quickly….
V: Hi Rebecca. Great to meet you… Could you give the readers an overview of what you do...
R: I'm now doing everything to do with dating mating, relationships, how to stop cheating, and regaining intimacy in relationships. I work as a councillor and coach to couples who have experienced infidelity and help them to work out ways forward. When I was escorting nearly all the men I saw were married and I realised there was a problem here that wasn't just sex related. I also work with people on self-belief and that can transpire into finding a partner; the right match.
V: So it was intimacy an issue?
R: Yes. As I was exclusively offering 'the girlfriend experience' which meant long amounts of time spent together, I was privileged to an inside view of how relationships broke down. I saw that it wasn't just about the sex which is what most people think; it was mainly loss of connection that resulted in the erosion of the sex life.
V: Some might argue that the escort sees the side of the man that is not real?
R: People are very different. Some are fun for the night than go quite after long periods when they're done with making the effort. Some would be focused on how I was feeling more which I preferred and others just wanted company plain and simple that included intimacy. I think with anyone new regardless of whether they're are a client or not more effort is going to be made. I know from my end I make a point of listening intently even though it can be quite challenging, especially if they're not someone who you would choose to spend time with in reality. It can be draining. I remember when I used to go to a l lavish house of a regular but there was no TV on, no music and we didn't go out either, so the bulk of the evening was chatting which can be exhausting as he required undivided attention.
V: So they would speak about their wives?
R: Yes, usually quite negatively. I'm an intelligent women and a lot of the time I could read between the lines. I understood from the woman's point of view and sometimes thought that it wasn't surprising that she didn't want to sleep with him. In his job you only hear one side so you try to work out what really going on.
V: Is it possible that these men paying for 'the girlfriend experience' are trying to recapture a certain newness, a perception of romance that they've lost with their partner, albeit a deluded one?
R: Yes, I think so. Especially nowadays - couples who have children and both work forgo spending quality time together and the husbands feel entitled and get it elsewhere. Long term relationships are where you see it most. It's wrong to deceive but the breakdown is equally the fault of both. Of course there's an element of there being someone new but once you get past this you see a sadness a lot of the time. People who feel lonely. The guys want to feel desired not just be friend but both: desire and friendship.
V: In your book you speak of when you were younger; you say that you experienced traumatic bullying - although you had a nurturing familial environment. How did these two disparate positions shape you?
R: It did affect me and the message I received was that how I looked wasn't acceptable, because all of the bullying was from boys and it was to do with my appearance which gave me very low self-esteem. What was I seeking in this job? I've explored this a lot in my own mind. I got rejected by boys in my early teens which made me constantly search for the approval of men. Then when I was fifteen I started to become promiscuous. I slept with lots of guys as I wanted approval. I remember my father being quite unemotional - and I was an emotional child. I didn't have any confidence. There was certainly a temporary feel good factor to sleeping around an it helped build my confidence. To me escorting was not big deal because of that promiscuity.
V: Ultimately was it a happy childhood?
R: It was a happy childhood. I had lots of friends and good relationships; I wanted to be centre of attention; they called me the chatterbox. I was told off in school and college so much and thought that talking was a bad thing but as I grew up I realised my main talent was communication. Many people I spoke to would comment on my good communication skills. I realised that I had a knack for making people feel good. It took me that long to realise that but when I did it was a revelation. Self-belief is important too. I'm naturally a charmer and a big flirt, with women and men and I found people naturally opened up to me. That's when I realised the world was my oyster.
V: Your Dad advised you to register your earnings with the Inland Revenue, to effectively treat escorting a proper job. Tel me about that…
R: Because I made it so normal, and I was spending long amounts of time with clients. I was being wined and dined, I couldn't keep it all in as it was such a culture shock. I was eating at The Ritz and Lanesborough regularly, jetting off to Monaco and Vegas. I had thousands of pounds to spend. It was all too exciting so they knew as I told them. There were lots of conversations around it. My Dad's way of dealing with it was to be pragmatic. They knew they couldn't stop me so they treated it with the practicality.
V: Did your family make it acceptable for you to go into it?
R: No they didn't; they were more scared. I think they thought of it as ridiculous but as a phase. They treated it with the idea of letting me make my own mistakes. I was in my early twenties - not in my teens. They thought it was a phase and that soon I'd get a proper job. The more they tried to control me the more I used to rebel and they knew this from my teens.
V: In your book there's an early chapter called 'Meeting the Pimp Daddy'; he was an agency owner come representative and said to you that he'd only advertise you if you slept with him. This was before you had ever slept with a client. Can you explain what happened.?
R: I was naïve really. I hadn't worked before and he said that he would have to see if I was up to the job. He said sometimes that he'd like to take a girl for an overnight, every three months or so. He was taking the piss really. At first I said I'm not doing that as I felt pressured. Consequently, that meant he wouldn't take me on. But I researched the potential earnings of girls he advertised for, some getting over a thousand for a night, I rang him up and said I'd do it. I also thought that he probably reflected the average client: middle aged and not particularly attractive. I don't regret it and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to see if I could do the job
V: Is that when you learnt you could switch off?
R: Unconsciously we protect ourselves so maybe. I didn't realise I was switching off at the time. I just saw it as what I wanted to do for a living so let's make the best of it.
V: So you worked as a nude dancer the peepshows in Antwerp, Belgium in your teens. Did you prefer the exhibitionism of the peepshow or the hidden aspect of escorting?
R: They are two obsolete things. I enjoyed the voyeurism of the peepshows. The look but u can't touch really done it for me actually. The escorting is desirous because you can earn lots and visit all the best places.
V: At one time the money was huge.
R: In the beginning before the Eastern Europeans came over. I could charge five thousand for a weekend. I would do four jobs a week, overnights and earn six thousand.
V: It's been turned into a cliché and even a bit of a joke: the old white man and the young Thai wife but what do you think about the economic gulf provoking families of girls from Thailand to sell their children's entire lives to old strangers from other countries just to survive? Its normalised but very sad I think to live as a life-long prostitute.
R: Guys who want to go and do that probably lack social skills. They see it as an easy option and its sick because some of them are very old and buy very young wives. I think they' re slaves for them not just prostitutes, because of the difference in culture has made them feel like they have to serve. It's really sad. It's sad how the guys want that relationship that imbalance. How can these women be happy being removed from their family and friends?
V: What's going on here that people in our culture allow their bodies to be consensually sexually used and abused for money when they are not entirely impoverished.
R: With me there it was always an element of living beyond my means and there's getting affection or attention. I actually enjoyed it alot of the times, especially when they made an effort. It wasn't always about me giving. I liked the extravagant gestures.
V: What about the ones you really didn't like?
R: Then it was purely money. There was an American client who came to London, unlike many of the lovely Americans I've met, who was a grotesque eater. He has little bits of fish stuck in his beard. Table manners is such a big thing. No excuse.
V: I noticed in your book that you're not a huge drinker, but you developed a criterion for overnights which were sleeping pills, an eye mask, ear plugs for yourself and a snoring strip for him.
R: God yes. Sleep was everything - as I knew I had to be bright and chirpy and lots of fun, which could be a total drag. That's how I knew that I had to get out of it, when I started to get so obsessed with not being touched in my sleep. I would have really horrific dreams when I was in bed next to them - like I was being violated sexually - but then I used to wake up and they would be fast asleep.
V: It's weird how the job affects you, obsessions and wanting to feel perfectly vibrant the next morning as it can be so hard to deal with the job otherwise. Sleep becomes sacred.
R: Sometimes I'd get snappy with the clients in the morning - particularly if they were a snorer. That's when the ear plugs came in. In order for me to be good fun, I needed my sleep. I wasn't like that in the beginning. It got worse over time and I needed hypnotherapy to regain my former self.
V: You say that it's hard to leave the sex industry unscathed in one of your YouTube videos. What do you mean by that?
R: It does affect you - a lot of girls end up going down the drink route, drug dependent, turned lesbian because they can't face men anymore. It's an industry if you don't keep your head screwed on you can lose it easily, but you do see another side to men. You can come messed up. I still trust men and believe people can be monogamous - but I am a rarity. A lot of girls get damaged. When you're giving your body, you're not just giving your physical self, something else gets lost in the aftermath.
V: On a subconscious level, in the sex industry, I felt out of control of my body and my mind which are inextricably entwined. Do you think that being intimate with multiple clients hasn't affected you in severe ways?
R: I don't know and it's not anything that I particularly can pinpoint. I focus so much on other people's pleasure that I forgo my own sense of self sometimes. But I feel like a very well rounded human being. I don't feel affected as such
V: I'm more cynical I'd say.
R: I feel that there are people that fall in love and have that fairy tale end.
V: Letting a client own your body for an hour, is that normalised consensual sexual abuse?
R: It would depend on the people. They didn't own me. I said no when I wanted. As long as I was treated well and with respect.
V: I feel the red blooded male adage is a myth: in medieval times women were considered as being more sexual than men so sexuality and gender are arbitrary. Are you a feminist Rebecca?
R: I'm definitely not an extremist. I believe women and men have different strengths and I am still a traditionalist. I like to be wooed and wined and dined. It costs a lot of money to keep up this look so I want them to be chivalrous and then I will give my female charm. So I guess I'm not a feminist!
by
Vikki Dark
http://www.thegreatbritishsexpert.co.uk/