Why have I been flirting with my cousin?

8 May 2018

Our guest agony aunt, Hayley Quinn is here again and today she is addressing the issue of forbidden attractions.

Relationships on Female First

Our Female First reader asks:

Hi,

Need some advice.

I’m a 27 year old male, my first cousin is 22 female. I am married. Are families had some sort of argument and we didn’t talk for years up until 5 years ago. So me and my cousin didn’t really know each other until then but became good friends since then.

We kind of flirt but don’t. There seems to be a mutual attraction but neither of us have said anything or acted on it but we do make little gestures here and there. Like long glares at each other, a couple times we accidently pecked on the lips on good bye kisses (normally its two cheek kisses), and one time we laid together and took pictures while she lowered here top slightly.

Is this wrong? Should it stop?

Hayley says:

When we try to define things into 'right' and 'wrong' often all we do is end up tangled in a mess; because morality is personal. We each have our own unique set of rules about what is 'ok' and 'normal'.

So I'm not going to pass judgements about whether cousins should date, or not. Instead the more important issues to address here are those that a lot more people will be able to identify with:

Is cheating ever ok? You mention you are married- this should be your most important romantic relationship. What's happening within your marriage that means all of your focus is outside of it?

There's a family rift with a lack of closure. It is well known that distant family members often feel attraction towards one another. Perhaps it's more important to reconnect with your wider family, than just your cousin.

Attraction isn't a light switch. Chances are your cousin is just as confused as you are about the status of your relationship- and what is appropriate or not.

With this many variables at play your best bet is to take a time out, focus on your wife and give yourself a lot of breathing space before you wander too much further into a potential minefield.