I am told I should dump her!
Our discussion board is busy with many people who wants answers and today Hayley Quinn, the UK’s Leading Female Dating Expert, is here to provide us with some!
Female First's discussion board member asks:
‘Hi there,
I'm hoping to get a female perspective, as all the posts on a men's forum told me to dump my girlfriend! If you think that's what I should do, then by all means say so.
Basically, my girlfriend's brother (they are both in their late 20's but live at home) told me a person my girlfriend has only ever referred to as her 'friend', is in fact her ex-boyfriend. In the past, she has said that this 'friend' took her for dinner.
We've been dating about 6 months and she did tell me at the time that she is friends with her ex but I suppose I'm a upset at her not telling me this guy is her ex and the fact that he has taken her out for dinner (I don't know how many times, or when the last time was but I have a problem with that).
I'd like to know what you women think: do I have a right to be upset and what do you think is the best way of discussing this with her? I have a tendency to dwell on things and get more and more worried, which unfortunately is what's happening now! Do I have anything to be worried about?’
Hayley says:
Whenever one of our personal boundaries is crossed we get that horrible, nagging sensation in our stomachs that all isn't well.
When this happens we have a 'right' to be upset because it's clear that you're uncomfortable with a couple of things: the fact that your girlfriend wasn't upfront to you about her relationship with her ex, and the fact that they've been spending time together in a context that could be interpreted as a 'date'.
However, that doesn't mean you can just wallow, and allow yourself to get annoyed!
Without communication you can't be sure whether her actions are motivated by her being deliberately deceptive (and at worst unfaithful) or (which I'd put money on being the truth) that she just didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
So talk to her calmly, avoid 'blaming' her ('you should have told me...' etc.) and instead get used to telling her what you want (I'd just like you to be upfront with me so I know where I stand').
Watch her reaction, and listen to her explanation. If there's nothing to worry about she should take the opportunity to tell you the truth and be comfortable with you meeting the 'friend' of hers.
Breaking up with someone is a hard and fast decision. What's often smarter is to work out what your ideal resolution is (in this case I think you want to stay with her, but for her to respect your boundaries with her ex) and communicate that instead.
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