J asks :
Hello Lucy,
Got a little problem and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years and for the most part it has been very happy. We have 4 kids together. I work every day and she stays at home looking after the kids (ages 11, 9, 7 and 3). She worked as well until about two years ago when she was made redundant although she said she very happy about this since she would get more time with the kids, would not feel guilty about leaving a very well paid job and would also get a large amount of redundancy money. About a year or so ago she started drinking a bottle of wine almost every night. She said this helped her deal with the stresses of the day. The problem is that she wanted sex every night on the couch after the kids were in bed. A great situation to be in, some might say, and for a little while it was. But over time the novelty faded. Now, it's getting to the point where I'm dreading when the kids go to bed, because she'll start drinking and then she'll slur "honey" in what she thinks is a seductive voice, lying of the couch stinking of wine (although I sometimes drink, I hate the taste of wine) and I'm expecting to get an erection immediately and keep going for hours. Sometimes I can perform, a lot of times I can't. Sex when there is no alcohol involved in a bed or somewhere else less cramped is completely different; much, much nicer. The worst of it is it's partly my fault. After the kids are put to bed, I usually go out to the shop nearby to get my lunch for the next day and she asks me to get her wine when I'm out. Until I manage to quit smoking (I've tried several times) I feel I'm not really in a position to say anything about her drinking and what happens after. I don't know if I'm just being selfish or a moaner. What should I do?
Hi J,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It seems that you have both just got into a habit. Habits are really hard to break, however if you are keen on helping your wife, then you will need to work extra hard to help her out of this routine as she may be resistant to at first.
First, I would say- don't buy your lunch from the shop- make it at home. That will stop you having to leave the house at all for food or wine, thus preventing the option to have wine. It will not only save you money but get you out of the expectation of buying alcohol every night.
If you smoke and she drinks, then perhaps you could both try to kick your habits together? That way you can support one another throughout the process.
In terms of the sex- I would say talk to your wife while she's sober about this. It is important not to make her feel rejected but more so tell her that you miss other things about the relationship- such as snuggling up on the couch or talking about your day. It sounds like your relationship is all about sex right now and you are lacking other things. Although it can be exciting at first, as you say one thing all the time can lose its appeal- and fast.
Perhaps she needs some help? Could you suggest some counselling for you both of just her to talk about the impact not working is having on her and your relationship. Somewhere like Relate could help you to find out how she's feeling about her new role and what the drinking and sex is distracting her from. She needs to find other ways to cope with her stress rather reaching for the bottle and breaking this habit will dramatically help her health and wellbeing- however she may not be able to do it alone.
Perhaps she just needs a break. Would she benefit from doing something that's just for her like a hobby? Or a class or to make regular plans with friends or family? If her day has become monotonous, then she may just need some other form of stimulation to stop her from relying on drink and sex to get her through.
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