Pani asks :
Hi Lucy,
My boyfriend wants to turn me into the type of girl he likes. He doesn't like my talkative behaviour just because everyone pays attention to me when I do talk. He usually picks out my mistakes and sometimes he passes comments and jokes about my figure and weight.
He usually scolds me for everything and keeps correcting me. He wants to make me perfect. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Hi Pani,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Firstly there is no such thing as 'perfect'. If that is what he is looking for in a woman, he will always be disappointed- a perfect woman does not exist anywhere.
Secondly, no one should ever date someone they see as a work in progress. People should only date someone whom they are attracted to and accept from the beginning. It sounds like he is trying to mould you the longer you go out into his idealised version of a woman.
I am seeing a lot of 'hes' in your message, but no 'Is' or 'mes'. It sounds like he tries to control your personality by suppressing what you enjoy- like talking to people for instance. How does this make you feel? It might be time to start thinking about what you want and not what he wants.
A healthy relationship is not about picking fault, it is about building each other up and increasing one another's confidence.
It seems that he is doing the opposite with you. If this continues to be the norm, your self-esteem might become deeply affected if you start to believe everything he says to you.
If he wants you to be someone else- it's an impossible desire- you will always be you and he can't take that away from you or permanently mask it. The real you will always shine through.
It sounds like he may feel a lack of control in his own life, which makes him try to have control elsewhere- i.e. over you. Until he is able to tackle what's going on inside, he may never be happy with anyone or anything in his life and try to change it.
Perhaps he needs time alone to work through this issue to stop him projecting it onto anyone else.
You could talk to him and tell him how his comments make you feel, however if he is unwilling to look at his own reasons for saying them, it might not work.
Perhaps you need to find someone who makes you feel good about your figure, who doesn't mind you talking to other people and who doesn't dwell on or scold you for what they deem to be 'mistakes'.
tagged in boyfriend
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