Anonymous asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have a complicated problem. My close male friend of 10 years has just revealed that he is gay and now has lovely relationship with his male partner who he has been with for a year now. However, recently he has informed me that 3 years ago he had an affair with one of our male mutual friends, who he has not spoken to since it ended, and who also has a girlfriend of 5 years. This man cheated on his girlfriend with my friend, and his girlfriend happens to be my sister's best friend of 10 years. I feel extremely stuck, and have told my sister I don't know what to do. Neither does she. I feel loyalty to my friend and she feels loyalty to her friend. However in the middle of this is a girl who is wasting her days with someone who is gay and pretends he is in love with her. It is an awful situation and either way me and my sister feel guilty. Should we get involved? I feel disloyal to my friend, but hideous for the young girl involved with his ex. Further to the situation there was a rumour about the affair years ago but nobody believed it to be true, including my sister's friend, and also that it happened before they were together. Please help.
Hi Anonymous,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds like a very uncomfortable situation to be in right now.
How does your male friend who is now in a relationship feel about you potentially telling your sister's friend? It might be courteous to talk to him first and ask him if he's ok with you telling her what happened and who with. If he isn't ok with it, then your friendship could be affected. If he is happy now he may not want to dredge up the past. Would he be willing to tell her? Or could you go together so she knows it's not just a rumour? I would ask yourself- if it were you- would you want to know if you were being cheated on? If the answer is 'yes', then perhaps extend her the same courtesy as she might feel the same way.
It is going to hurt her, however if she were to find out by other means and discovered you both knew and didn't tell her, she would have to deal with a betrayal from her partner and her friend, which is a lot to cope with at once. If you tell her, then at least she will feel she has the full trust of her friend still.
Another way to look at this is that it's not your information to tell, it should ideally come from her partner, however he might never tell the truth. He may not consider himself gay; he may have slept with your friend to experiment. It doesn't necessarily mean that this woman is living with a gay man but the fact is, she is living with someone who has been unfaithful in the past.
If you do tell her, expect some resistance as she may not believe you until she speaks to her partner. The most you can do if you do decide to tell her what you know is reassure her that you are there for her whatever she wants to do with the information.
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