Anonymous asks:

Hi,

I am in a 9 month relationship with someone. I love him a lot. He is kind but sometimes it’s hard to let him know I need him because he doesn’t talk much when I am sad. 

Recently my ex-boyfriend of 6 years texted me asking how I was. We had a rough relationship and were constantly hurting each other. He asked how I was as he heard I am getting married next year. He did share that he misses me and wanted to marry me, but he was afraid. 

We started talking and asking about our lives etc. I found out that he is dating again with a different woman and he kept sharing how he enjoys it and may move in with her etc. 

I got annoyed and asked him ‘what does he want from me?’ and that it’s impossible for us to be friends again. 

He opened up and said he just wants to be friends and get advice about relationships from me which I find weird. 

He added that being in a relationship with me was mega stupid and we should have just stayed as friends. 

I am annoyed because I spent 6 years in a relationship with him and that was his thought. Why am I feeling angry? Should I talk to my boyfriend about this?

 

Dear Anonymous,

Agony Aunt

Agony Aunt

Firstly well done for leaving a hurtful relationship and going into what seems like a kind and loving one.

However, even as your ex, it seems like this man is still trying to hurt you. I couldn't see a need for him to say the things he did, even if he thought them. He's just implied that 6 years of your life was a LIE and thats enough to make anyone angry. However you don't have to stay in this place. You can flip the anger by thinking of all the lessons you learnt in those 6 years and how it has helped you to grow as a person.

It obviously has because you have not gone back into another hurtful relationship, you've gone into a loving one. Moving onto your current boyfriend, if you are upset that your past relationship was based on hurt and lies, maybe you can make a conscious effort to grow this one on honesty, openness and kindness. 

I'm sure your boyfriend would appreciate knowing that your ex has been in touch and that you've fired him straight out of your life again. That would be honest and true. 

What may be hurtful to him though is if you try to get him to help you feel better about the hurt this other man caused. He's not your life coach after all, he's your boyfriend, and we want to keep him that way.

As for him communicating with you, there are many ways of communicating love, it's not always through words. Maybe leave "the words" to your best friend, mum, sister or even life coach and enjoy him for his ways in which he is loving you. 

Anne Jackson 

A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy practitioner, Acceptance Therapy Practitioner and Life & Relationship Coach, Anne Jackson is dedicated to helping people maximise their potential in whatever they do. Passionate about helping people discover their strengths, talents and motivations, Anne enables people to rid themselves of the heavy burdens of their past, untangle the quagmire of their present and inspire them to create the life, relationship and career they truly want for their future.

As one of her working partners puts it:

“Anne connects the dots. She has this uncanny ability to ask you questions that make you stop, think and question things from the inside. Anne is excellent at helping you take the next step up the difficult climbs of life, not only because of her professional knowledge and expertise, but equally as important, because she has already made that journey up herself and so she helps pull you up from the top. I realise with absolute clarity that it is one thing to be a qualified coach, it’s another thing all together to be a qualified coach that has seen and experienced all other sides. When I now hear those triggers about work life balance, a need for a change or absent husbands, I know EXACTLY who to refer them to because without a shadow of a doubt Anne will help you figure out what life you really want and how to go about achieving it.”

www.onelifecoachingme.com

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