I met this man and I felt like I wanted kiss him.
My husband passed away a year ago.
This is the first time that I felt I wanted to kiss a man.
Because you don’t give details of your relationship or how your husband’s death affected you, I’m going to assume his loss is something you have grieved and are probably still grieving. I’m also assuming that, behind your words, might be some element of “should I be feeling like this.” I’ll come to ‘the kiss’ in a moment.
So meeting a new man could well be quite a confusing time. You probably weren’t expecting to find yourself attracted to someone, and suddenly you are! Those fluttery stomach-butterflies are real, and you don’t know what to do. Against this lovely new sensation you may well feel guilt and shame.
One bereaved client said, when he started dating, he couldn’t make eye contact with his dead wife’s photos; her eyes always seemed to lock with his. He swung between feeling terrible guilt one minute and excited about his new relationship the next. He was confused, needing to talk it through and explore his emotions.
Meeting someone else doesn’t rub-out your relationship with your husband. Your time together and his death will remain part of your life’s jig-saw. As people move through grief, they begin to expand their world, take in new experiences and, for some, new.
If you were not a widow but a single woman, I think you would pursue this relationship. And I suggest that is what you do. Carefully.
Now, to that kiss. This is the first time you have felt like kissing a man so I’m giving a word of warning.
Kissing says, “ I like you more than just a friend,” and it’s tricky to manage friendship after crossing the kissing boundary. With little information in your message about how your man might feel about you, please think carefully and read the signals he’s giving you. I don’t want you to get knocked back when I suspect your emotions are still quite fragile. It’s good learning for the future to read signs that tell us how interested someone is in us. Some positive indicators are that he: seems to try to be move close to you, makes eye contact and smiles, (but may turn away quickly if he’s shy or nervous), starts up conversations and is interested in you, asking questions, messages you spontaneously and responds to yours.
So, if you think he’s interested, there’s nothing wrong in kissing him first ... in fact men in the current ‘metoo’ climate say they’re wary of taking first, possibly unwelcome steps. And your man, knowing you are bereaved, may be worried it’s too soon for you.
How to do it? Just lean in, look him in the eye and check he’s looking back. If not, leave it. Only if he keeps looking, offer up your lips gently to his, make light contact and see if he responds with pressure. Keep it light, linger about 5 seconds and break gently away. Look at him.
If he doesn’t respond with pressure and looks away as you move back, you may have mis-read the signs. I’d suggest asking something, gently, to gauge his reaction.
Otherwise you will wonder incessantly what he thought.
But, if he looks back at you, stays close and smiles. Smile back!
Mig Bennett is a fully qualified relationship counsellor specialising in relationship problems, sexual issues and sex addiction. She has over 25 years of experience, both in her own private practice and – Mig Bennett Relationship Counselling www.migbennettrelationshipcounselling.co.uk
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