Melissa asks :
Hi Lucy,
My boyfriend of over a year recently told me that his parents felt I was rude last time I visited. They weren't happy with me making a cup of tea for myself without asking or for once leaving the table without excusing myself. I see these as pretty minor issues although I understand where they are coming from.
My issue is that I try my very hardest to be polite to them at all times and always have. Knowing that I have failed at this and that my boyfriend's dad is pointing these things out to 'help' me (as he said) makes me feel immature, stupid and like a failure who has reached adulthood but still doesn't understand basic manners. I don't want my anger at myself to lead to any defensive behaviour around my boyfriend and his parents or any other actions that could compromise my relationship with them. How do I move on from this and stop these feelings of failure from eating me up?
Hi Melissa,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Just because you don't have the same habits as another family does NOT make you a failure, immature or stupid. Every family is brought up differently and it is not your fault if yours doesn't stick by the same ideals- it's all you know.
Most partners act their best around their loved one's parents and it sounds like you have been trying to do this.
Clearly these things are important to them, however for other families they are not. If you want to keep the peace, then at least you know for next time what rules they keep in their house. If you respect them when you are there, even if you don't apply them in your own time, it should help make a good impression to both your partner and his parents.
If you feel like talking to them directly, then it might help ease things. If you apologise and explain that what you did is the norm in your house and that you perhaps took it for granted that it would be the same in theirs.
On the flip side, if they ever visit your house, then they should temporarily adopt your way of living with the same level of respect as you do theirs. It works both ways, so don't let it affect how you do and always have lived at home because their way is not 'the right way'- it's just different.
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