Anonymous asks:

I am a married woman, I’m 34 years old and accidentally became pregnant a year ago. 

My husband and I decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy as we were not sure we wanted to have kids at all. 

So we terminated the pregnancy. All through my adulthood, I have always leaned towards not having kids but after undergoing termination, I keep looking back and thinking 'what if?'. 

My husband still stands by our decision but I feel like it’s damaged me emotionally. 

I cannot stop thinking that I was pregnant and then terminated it. 

How do I make peace with it? I have talked to my husband and he also advises me to move on and stop overthinking but I can't seem to let it go even after a year. 

I keep considering therapy but not sure if this situation is grave enough to go for therapy.

 

Sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni said: “Your feelings are entirley natural and it is perfectly understandable that you feel guilty about the decision that you took. I would recommend therapy because it is important that you deal with this issue now before it really starts to cause problems for you and your husband. Even if you become fully reconciled with the decision, there will always be a small, gnawing ‘what if’ feeling. 

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

“I do think you made the right decision in seeking a termination. Let’s not forget: this was not a planned pregnancy but a complete accident. You would be cheating the child by bringing them into the world without two parents who were fully committed. I am stating the obvious but parenthood is a huge commitment - having a child that is not planned with two adults who are not just ambivalent about being parents but are totally against it, is a recipe for disaster. You could end up not only wrecking your marriage but the life of that child, too, because they would suffer from being brought up in such an unhappy home.

“My one slight reservation about all the above is if you have only gone along with the ‘no babies thing’ because you feel slightly coerced by your husband. You say that you ‘accidentally’ became pregnant? Was this really a complete accident or was there a part of you that wanted to get pregnant but had to do it ‘by mistake’ because you knew that your husband would never agree to a planned pregnancy? If you really are as against being a parent as your partner, I am confident  you will get over this and those feelings of guilt will fade over time, even if they never fully go away. But if there is a real issue between you over parenthood and you secretly want children and are afraid to express that wish, then this is an issue that badly needs to be aired. Talk to your partner honestly and bring all your true feelings out into the open.”

Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com 


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