Sarah asks :
Hi Lucy,
The current man I'm with now does not trust me, I have always been faithful to him and never would I cheat or go behind his back with anything. Years ago when I was about 15 me and my boyfriend’s nephew (who is the same age a me) fooled around we never had sex though. I never told him this before we got together but he knows now. This almost caused us to split up and we are still on unsteady ground. How can I make things better? How can I improve this mess I have caused? I love this man with all my heart I want to grow old with him. I don't know what to do.
Hi Sarah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like this is more about him that it is you. Has he been hurt by another woman in the past? If so then he may have trouble trusting you 100% for fear that you might do the same- regardless of you promising never to do so. Often we project our own insecurities onto others, making us believe untruths.
If he is already insecure- then finding out this about your past might make him worry more about your fidelity.
That said, this is all in the past and perhaps you were not as in love with your ex-boyfriend you are him? You were young and it's arguable that you made some choices you would change now- but everyone does. In every relationship there has to be some acceptance of people's pasts and the fact that they may have done things that they regretted. What matters is the here and now and how you treat each other while you are a couple.
If he is finding it hard to forgive you then perhaps enrolling in some relationship counselling might help, or being more open about your past partners. Maybe if he knows everything there is to know about your past then there won't be another instance where he finds something out that he feels threatened by.
If he has dated people in the past then maybe he acted in ways he now regrets- perhaps a sharing exercise might help to get everything out in the open for you both. A no more secrets policy, so you can put the past to bed and focus on moving forward with each other.
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