I keep having dreams about cheating on my husband- does this mean I want to?

18 July 2022

Relationship expert Jessica Leoni says: “The fact that you are writing to me expressing these doubts makes me think that you do indeed have unfinished business or unaddressed feelings. Yes our true feelings can be revealed to us subliminally in our dreams, but I expect yours are actually a little more out in the open and you need to face up to them.

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“The first thing you need to do is look at the state of your marriage and ask yourself if you are truly happy. I suspect the answer to that question is no. The second question you need to ask yourself is: would I be happier if I walked away from this marriage? I suspect that the answer to this question is also no. Well, clearly the solution is to work harder at your marriage and sort out what is going wrong. Talk to your husband and see if you can get things back on track. There are lots of ways to add some excitement into a marriage that has gone stale - organise date nights, maybe schedule some sex (the glue that keeps almost all marriages healthy) and arrange some romantic getaways.

“Now let’s look at this unfinished business. Lots of us have ex-lovers who we continue to view with feelings of fondness or even longing. That doesn’t mean it is a good idea to revisit those past relationships. In most cases, they broke up for a very good reason and both parties have moved on with their lives and would be ill-suited by meeting again years later. Yes, we all know of those childhood sweethearts who bump into each other 30 years later and live happily ever after, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

“I do think the fact that you are dreaming of leaving your husband does illustrate deeper problems in your marriage. This is not some random dream unconnected to your circumstances. I do think you have unaddressed feelings/unfinished business with a past lover. You clearly have at least one relationship from your past which you want to revisit and see if those intense feelings can be revived. Maybe you were dumped and feel that you are now a better match for your past lover. Maybe you behaved like an idiot and would like to make amends. Only go there if you truly feel that your marriage is doomed. I suspect it is not doomed at all and there are lots of ways you can get it back on track. If you get your marriage on a better footing don’t be surprised if these dreams stop or at least reflect other anxieties - a common one is being panic stricken in the middle of an exam because you have done no revision. Revisiting failed relationships is a dangerous and rocky path which rarely works out well.”

Jessica is a relationship expert for the dating site IllicitEncounters.com