Diana asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been having problems with my boyfriend for a few months now. I went away in summer and made the mistake of sleeping in the same bed as this guy. Nothing happened and I was going to keep it a secret but he found out. Ever since then he's found it very hard to trust me and says I'm different around my friends. A month or so ago I got a message from a girl saying she'd slept with him. He denied it and I stayed with him. Then just last week I got a drunken voicemail (he forgot to hang up) saying that he hated me, didn't know why he was with me and was considering sleeping with another girl. I confronted him and he said he was just drunk and trying to impress his friends. Everyone's telling me I'm an idiot and maybe I am being but I love him so much and really want it to work. I'm afraid it won't though as we both have lost all trust for one another.
Our Reply
Hi Diana, thanks for getting in touch.
Despite the fact he denied that anything happened, the two individual events would indicate that there is something to be worried about. What motivation would a girl have to text you that she had slept with him other than to try and take him for herself? Being drunk makes people slack tongued, yes, but usually about things that they are too afraid to say when they are sober. Usually people don’t lie when they are drunk because their cognitive processes are slower and they are not as quick on their feet to create scenarios.
If what he says is true, why would his friends encourage this? Would you ask one of your friends to jeopardise their relationship for the sake of a prank? It could be argued that you perhaps should have found alternative sleeping accommodation when you were on holiday or told your boyfriend right away, however this is in the past and you can’t change it. Your boyfriend might assume that he is getting back at you by doing the things he has done so you are equal in your betrayals. It might be that he feels he is entitled to because you withheld the truth from him. Whatever the reason if you can’t trust each other, then there is some work to be done.
If you are intent on making things worse, it may be wise to enrol in some couple’s therapy to try and regain this trust back, if you do truly love one another. Or have a frank discussion and be totally honest with one another about things, have a clean slate and try again with new boundaries.
Good luck,
Lucy x
tagged in Love Trust boyfriend yin and yang agony aunt
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.