Becca asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have recently started university and after a horrible time in secondary school with bitchy girls and so-called 'friends' who constantly left me out and let me down, I told myself I would try and be different, but in a good way, so I wanted to try and be more outgoing and less... boring. I have always been really shy and had low self-esteem, and find it difficult to talk to others, and I'm afraid some people find me intimidating because I think I maybe give them the impression that I'm just not interested, but I am! I have recently started hanging out with a group of people I met through my flatmate, who I have grown fairly close to, but I still feel as if I am a tag-along and don't really interact with them well - I am even afraid to 'friend' them on Facebook in case they don't remember who I am and / or they reject me. I just want to get over this pathological shyness and this fear of being rejected all the time - it is ruining my life. I want to be able to talk to others without difficulty and over-thinking everything I say before I speak all the time. I am tired of being afraid. Can you help me?!
Our Reply
Hi Becca,
You are clearly worried about making friends again after being hurt by the girls from school, this is understandable and placing your trust in someone so soon can be hard when you have been let down in the past.
Unfortunately, the only way to get past being shy is to put yourself in positions you wouldn’t normally. Perhaps start small and friend request them on Facebook. If you haven’t made an impression with them then don’t worry about that you can’t get on with everyone. However, there will be someone along the way who you will connect with and you won’t look back. University is great place to meet people form every walks of life so there is likely someone there who is matched to your way of thinking!
If you are think and believe that you are the ‘tag along’ then other people will sense this and perhaps overlook talking to you. If you fake it to make it then people will naturally gravitate towards you. People don’t like to have too much work on their plate when it comes to talking to other people so the more at ease you are the better. I know it’s hard when you are shy but try picking up on conversations you also know something about and join in. If you find something that you are confident about, whether it’s a band, a movie or hobby then you will be able to carry a conversation about it.
There is no reason to be afraid, because everyone goes through this- some later than others, but everyone still gets a bit nervous when meeting someone new. You are entitled to enjoy your university experiences so try to let go a little and take it all in!
Good luck,
Lucy x
tagged in Friends University yin and yang agony aunt self-esteem
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