Anonymous asks:

Hi, my boyfriend has been going through a bit of depression recently and says although he can't pinpoint what it is that's causing it, the only thing he is sure of is that it’s nothing to do with me. 

When he goes out with friends, he comes home very late and very drunk which I get mad about. 

This weekend when he came home late, to my annoyance, he began to say that I am suffocating him and that he feels something is missing in our relationship and we lack chemistry. 

We have a poor sex life however we still pleasure each other without penetrative sex. Overall, we are a very happy couple, I love everything about him, and him me. 

These comments were very out of the blue. He said after them when he was sober that I have nothing to worry about, he does feel something is missing, but he doesn't want to break up with me. 

I am now obviously doing the girl thing and overthinking. We have never had any issues really in our relationship. The reason why we never started off very sexually was because we work together so I was conscious of making sure it was real before going there. We just never got into full swing with it. 

Don't get me wrong, we do have sex it’s just very, very rarely. I think that is the only thing missing, do you think this is something which we can fix? Or should we call time on our relationship?

 

Jessica Leoni, sex and relationship expert, said: "I'm afraid to say that I do feel that there are very real issues with your relationship. You are definitely NOT overthinking things. Your misgivings are entirely understandable.

Agony Aunt at Female First

Agony Aunt at Female First

"You say that you are a 'very happy couple', yet all the evidence points to the opposite.

"For a start, your boyfriend is behaving very selfishly in going out without you at weekends, getting 'very drunk'  and then attacking you for not unreasonably calling him out about his behaviour. You have every right to be angry at his actions.

"We all out go out with friends on our own in a relationship, and there is nothing wrong with doing that occasionally, but he is doing that at weekends - time when you should be having fun together.

"I think that it is important to look at your sexual chemistry. Your boyfriend says that he feel 'there is something missing from your relationship', and I think he is right because it is obvious he is talking about sex. Good sex is vital to the health of relationship, particularly a relatively new one like yours. But you don't appear to have ever really had any chemistry. You rarely have sex and you admit that when you do it is 'poor.' Sex ebbs and flows in all relationship - sometimes it is a good, sometimes not so good. But it is rare for sex to be poor from the very outset and to remain so. This does suggest that you lack natural chemistry.

"You say that your boyfriend has been going through a 'bit of depression recently'. Is this really depression - a clinical condition for which he would benefit from seeing his GP and possibly getting appropriate medication? Or is he just feeling a bit low, as we all do sometimes. Talk to him and get to the bottom of this issue because it is fundamental to getting your relationship on the right track.

"It is clear that you love your boyfriend very deeply. You have been incredibly forgiving and clearly don't want to wash your hands on this relationship.

"But there are a number of issues that need sorting if you are to move forward. Do you really fancy each other? Does he really want to be with you? And is your lack of chemistry, and his worries about an in-work relationship which is going wrong, one of the sparks for his depression?

"I don't think you should 'call time' on your relationship just yet, but hopefully in airing these problems you can address the deep problems within the relationship and come to a satisfactory solution, because you cannot carry on as you are."

Jessica Leoni is a relationship expert with the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com

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