Charlotte Louise asks :
I am 22, and i have a boyfriend who i have been with for 3 years now. He is everything to me and i love him with all my heart. He is also my first lover - i have never been with anyone else. Recently, though, i have been fantasising during ALL of our sexual encounters about a man from work. I am sexually attracted to him, and i will openly admit this. I cant 'get off' unless i am thinking about this other man. Every time i see this other guy at work, we have fun - its that funny interlocking of the eyes that happened at the beginning of the relationship with my fella. Im probably the bad one in this situation. I think i know what the answer will be - i shouldnt be with him (i also know its wrong for me to be thinking of another man). My current boyfriend doesnt give me freedom, and i think this is why. I feel trapped in our relationship - im not allowed out at night because he wants me with him. Im not allowed to talk to other lads, never have been, because if im talking i MUST be flirting. I have never given him a reason to think this - he doesnt know about the guy from work either. I think if we split up, he will be violent, blackmailing and jealous. I dont know what to do. PLEASE help. Is it okay for me to be having these fantasies, or should i not be with him atall? I just want to be happy!
Yin / Tyler
Agony Aunts on Female First
When you are with someone for a long time and it is your first lover you can become curious about other sexual encounters with other people. This is normal. You may have let yourself become attracted and look elsewhere as your relationship has got worse with your partner. As you become more restrained in one relationship you look to another where you hypothetically would enjoy yourself gain and have some freedom to do the things you can’t now. The man at work may just represent what you desire, in ordinary circumstances you may not like him, but the fact that it is forbidden makes the desire much stronger. When you have been in a relationship for a while, you can also miss the beginning part, where you both made a big effort and the attraction was effortless. This is common in most long term relationships. Fantasies are fantasies and are in your head, we all have them so there is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s if you act on them while with someone else that causes the issue.
Yang / Lydia
Set aside the man you fancy from work. Do you see your current relationship lasting? It could be that his controlling and jealous side could get worse the longer you are together. Do you still love him? Are you still attracted to him? Can you see a future or would his behaviour make you more inclined to look elsewhere? These are all questions you need to think about before even contemplating the other guy, as this crush could simply be a sign that your relationship is not going to last.
If you do decide to work at the relationship, it may be worth focusing on his trust issues and trying to get him to give you some more freedom or he will continue to push you away. Time spent apart is just as valuable in a realtionhip as time spent together, if you can't be apart for a night or two, it is not healthy. If he ever threatens violence, however, if you do decide to leave, then you need to contact the police.
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