Samantha Wants More Under Cover Direction

7 December 2011

Samantha asks :

How do I get my boyfriend to be more dominant during sex? We communicate great and I've already told him but it's just not happening?

Yin replies

This is a really difficult one - what’s he like in normal life, out of the bedroom? Is he someone you’d describe as a dominant, Alpha male?
If not, it’s going to be hard to make him turn in to this kind of man just because he’s taken his clothes off - if anything, he’s going to feel more vulnerable and so less likely to be dominant.
Telling him ‘it’s just not happening’ isn’t really communication - it’s criticism. That approach will only make him lose confidence and make him less likely to dominate because he’ll feel self-conscious, about doing the wrong thing.
Instead, tell him what he does that you like, tell him the way he makes you feel (make it up if you need to, be creative) all in the name of motivating him and encouraging him.
'Must do better' was always one of the worst phrases to use on school reports and it’s the same in the bedroom.

Yang replies

If you communicate great, then he’d have already worked out what you like and would be doing better. Is he not dominant or is he just not making the effort? If you’ve told him what you like and what you would prefer, and he’s not acting on it, it’s either because he feels uncomfortable or lacking in confidence.
Most of all, ask yourself this - why do you want him to be dominant? Why does anyone need to dominate? You’re putting all the responsibility on him to turn you on, but this is a game of two parts - the more sexy you make him feel, the more you turn him on, the more you’re going to get back. You can’t just lie there and make him do it all, and neither can he.
But getting him to be more dominant isn’t the answer here - it’s about both taking responsibility for what you want out of your sex life. When you’ve told him you want him to be dominant - have you told him what that looks like?
What that involves? What the limits are? You need to make it clear so that he knows what it is you feel is missing. ‘Be more dominant’ is a bit vague, don’t you think? Sounds like it’s a lady talking who just doesn’t know what she wants and doesn’t want to take on a lead role herself.