Janey asks :
I have been asked out by a man that I have met regularly through a shared interest for the past 5 months. I adore his company, share a lot of his views on life and definitely find him attractive - so I'm not worried about any of that side of things at all!
The problem is, I am in my late 30s, have a busy career and have been very independent for most of my adult life. I really do value friendship and definitely do not want to do anything to spoil what we have.
What I really want to convey to him is that he should not question whether I find him hugely attractive (I do) or enjoy spending time with him and genuinely like him as a person (definitely!) HOWEVER, I want us both to spend much more time getting to know one another without the pressure of a physical relationship just yet.
Knowing how I feel about this man, I would not need an awful lot of encouragement to get involved too quickly, but I have to stay true to myself and my beliefs because that is part of what makes me who I am. The bottom line is that I do not believe in sleeping with any man who I can't honestly see a long term future with. I want children but only within a Christian marriage (although if I did not have children it would not be the end of the world - my genes are no better than anyone else's!)
How do I explain to him (without making him run for the hills) that I could not bear to end up with either of us feeling mislead or used, or just plain silly - if we jump into something serious then discover things about one another that mean there is no future for us long-term?
I want him to know how much his friendship has meant to me these past few months - but at the end of the day, I am not a 'sleep together while you make up your mind about the other person' type. I respect myself and other people too much for that.
This probably sounds terribly straight-laced and old-fashioned to you, but my view is that as an adult I have to take responsibility for my life and the consequences of my actions.
Yin replies
It's great to hear someone with such good morals and who is prepared to stand by them.
It might not seem like fun but you have to explain your feelings to him, after all you are both adults who should be able to talk about things like this.
You don't have to go into too much detail just explain you don't believe in having sex until you are in a committed relationship and if he doesn't like this then there is no point either of you wasting your time.
It is better to spell it out from the begin before becoming involved.
Yang replies
I agree with Ying, you just need to be straight with this man and spell it out from the start, none of this messing around like teenagers worrying what someone thinks.
You should be proud of your views so if this man doesn't respect them then he is clearly not the one for you.
Despite how you feel about him you know your views better so stick by them whatever happens.
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