I tell my mum everything about my relationship with my boyfriend- is this wrong of me?

6 June 2022

Anonymous asks:

I tell my mum nearly everything about my relationship with my partner, because I consider her to be a friend as well as my parent and I value her input and advice. We are very close. Is this wrong of me? Or should I be keeping everything that goes on between me and my boyfriend a secret?

Marian O'Connor at Tavistock Relationships says:

Image courtesy of Unsplash

it’s great you are so close to your mum, but your email made me wonder about appropriate boundaries. I wonder where you learned that there should be no secrets between mother and daughter. Did your mother confide in you, perhaps at a time when you were too young to bear the responsibility? Or did your mother get depressed/angry when you grew to have an independent life and you now feel guilty at having a relationship where she is not at the centre?

As a couple therapist, I’ve seen many couples where the ‘couple’ is treated with scant respect, not really nurtured or protected, while the central relationship appears to be that between mother and child.

You and your partner should be the couple here. It’s time to shut your mother out of the bedroom and focus on finding out more about your boyfriend and letting him know more about you. If that seems impossible, you could seek the help of a couples’ counsellor. If it seems undesirable, then perhaps you should think about finding another partner, one whose opinions you value and with whom you can create a close and intimate life with your mother as an occasional invited guest.