Barbie asks :
Hey Lucy,
I'm a young girl of 20 and have found myself in such a difficult situation I no longer know what to do. I've started to really like this guy from my work place and we have such fun together at work we also spend plenty of time out of work together and we have also been intimate. We’re like best friends and lovers too and he totally understands all my problems and how I'm feeling. He's always there for me and at the drop of a hat he'll be round if I need him. But there's one problem; he has a girlfriend but he's never with her, he doesn't say much about her, just that she makes him unhappy. She always says how much she loves him on Facebook but he never replies but he just can't seem to separate from her. Surely if she makes him that unhappy he would leave her? I feel like saying it's either me or her but what if he chooses his girlfriend then I'll be without him. Is it bad I'm considering being second best just so I know I'll never lose him? I'm scared I'll never find a guy who treats me as well as he does?
Our Reply
Hi Beth,
People can be in bad relationships and never see it or do anything about it. Even if you give him a nudge- it’s ultimately up to him to leave her, when he feels he is ready.
If he has been intimate with you then it seems that things with his girlfriend have passed the point of recovering, so a break up could be imminent. That said, he could stay with her if he has for this long while admitting that he is unhappy in the relationship.
If you appreciate his friendship then an ultimatum might not be the best move as you could lose him as a friend and potential partner. If he breaks up with her then perhaps see what happens and how you feel then, but putting him under pressure might backfire.
If you have resigned yourself to getting together at some point then you might have not been actively looking to find a guy. Why not start? This might trigger him into doing something about whatever it is that you two have going or he might stand back and let it happen. If the latter happens then you could assume that he was just trying to have it all, by having you both in his life. If he owns up to wanting something more then you can possibly take things from there.
tagged in Facebook yin and yang best friend agony aunt
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.