Quitting Smoking

17 April 2007

Anne asks :

I've been with my partner for 6 years and have two children with him, I have a son from a previous relationship. On the whole we have a good relationship but recently we had a big row over his lying to me about smoking. He made a big fuss about how we both need to stop smoking, so I did but he didn't. He secretly smoked for two months, and although I asked him about it he kept denying it, saying I was the one with a problem. We've gone through quitting smoking five times now, each time I stop and try to support him, but he ends up lying to me. I tell him that its ok if he wants to smoke, just don't lie about it because then I feel as if I can't trust him. But yet again he is lying about it. He shouts at the kids all the time and argues with me, because of the withdraws from smoking. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew that it was temporary, but because he is still secretly smoking, it could go on for months. He went away for a week and me and the kids had a great time on our own. I'm wondering if it would just be easier to call it a day and go our seperate ways. I still love him and even fancy him still, but not when he stinks of fags and loses his temper all the time. I've tried telling him but I don't think he really takes it in. What should I do? Any suggestions?

Yin replies

Maybe you should think about his reasons for losing his temper and not being able to quit smoking. Not putting the blame on you, but perhaps he is feeling annoyance towards you and slight frustration that you can quit smoking, and he is finding it so hard. In hiding it from you, I also think that he is doing it to try to please you, because he knows that you want him to quit and although he can't he wants you to be happy. Try talking to him about how you are feeling, without being accusational, and tell him that you just want him to be honest with you, no matter what subject you are discussing.

Yang replies

There's nothing worse than "kissing an ashtray!" And your partner will be all to aware of this. Put the shoe on the other foot, and think of how you would feel if he was trying to force you to stop smoking. Yes, you are probably thinking, well I would do it for him because I love him. Your partner has probably had thoughts similar to these, but it is easier said than done! No one can be forced into stopping smoking unless THEY are the person that wants to, and pressure from other people will only make it harder for them. And with regards to him losing his temper, it could just be that he is annoyed with him self for not being able to quit, but is taking it out on other people, which although not being right, is completely natural. Give the man a chance, and listen to his side without being accusational.