Janie Wonders If She's Bi Or If It's Just A Girl Crush

11 June 2012

Janie asks :

I don't know whether I should tell people I'm Bi, or if people would just say I have a girl crush. Im a girl and always thought I was straight.
I have had girl crushes for a few years now, but lately at Uni they have been becoming a lot more that just crushes and they are becoming strong feelings. I really want to be around this girl I like all the time and even when she playfully holds my hand, I just melt.
Recently I slept over at hers and she kept kissing me on the cheek etc. but pretty sure she is straight so I can't tell her I like her. I've only told close friends who aren't homophobic about this.
Do you think it'd be better to start telling people so I can get to know more girls? Because the way it's going, people wonder why, after a few offers, I've said no to literally ever boy that has shown an interest.
The stigma I find with being Bi, is that people think it's just a 'girl crush', which is acceptable, and it's just a phase. Can anyone else clarify the difference between having a girl crush and being Bi?
I think if you want a relationship with a girl and you could you imagine yourself settling down with a woman, it's more likely you're Bi than if you just liked some pop star as a kid - that's more of a crush. Whether you tell people is a case of what will make you happier, I suppose.

Yin replies

You're obviously thinking about this constantly and are weighing things up in your head, listening to things that people have said and to viewpoints you just pick up on. You're obviously worried about the response you'll get and so, quite understandably, you want to be absolutely sure before you come out with it.
Well, I think you've really set it out yourself, quite clearly. You're probably right that someone who's Bi would be interested in a relationship rather than it just being a fleeting fling.
You'd be happy to go out together, acting as a normal couple. This girl you mention is just one, I imagine. The fact that she kisses your cheek and playfully holds your hand might suggest she has an idea you might be Bi, and she's experimenting - putting it out there.
Who's to say she is even sure about her own sexual orientation? She might be unsure. You're always going to be risking rejection if you come on to her and aren't sure - so maybe you should confide in her; ask her what she would think people's responses would be.
It might be a good way of finding out her own feelings. Remember, bisexuality isn't a choice – you can be attracted to both sexes, and it doesn't have to be equal. What you're writing makes it sound a little more like you are wondering if you are gay.
A lot of the negative reactions to people coming out as Bi can be because people think it's about indecision and wanting the best of both worlds - but who's to say there's anything wrong with that? Don't rush into anything if you're not sure.
It's okay to just say you're undecided. You won't be with your Uni friends forever, and so if you want it to be a period of experimentation and exploration, then let it be.Visit www.bgiok.org.uk for some more specific advice or www.gyro.org.uk.

Yang replies

What does it matter what sex someone is - if you're happy with that person, that's the most important thing. Try not to force yourself to be attracted to one gender more than the other - you sound really hung up about what people are thinking about you, and that they'll belittle your feelings for a girl. To be honest, there are two ways of looking at the girl in question's behaviour towards you. Option1: If that was a guy you were talking about, I'd say the signs were looking good that he was interested in you, so why not assume she is as well? Option 2: She isn't sure about her own sexuality and senses you aren't, and so she's playing safe with a bit of harmless flirting - she could be open to taking it further but might get scared if it takes a more serious turn. Option 3: She knows full well you're Bi or Gay and that you're vulnerable and she's just getting a thrill from some playful flirting. It doesn't matter to her that you're a girl. Some people are just naturally tactile or flirty, and she could be just that. You sound pretty sure it's not a girl crush, for good reasons. So, why not just be true to yourself you fancy her, so up the game a bit. Give her something to think about. What have you really got to lose, if you're doing what makes you happy?