By Christopher Paul Jones, AKA The Breakthrough Expert, who specialises in helping people let go of their fears, anxieties and even their phobias http://christopherpauljones.net/

Ask yourself what you are afraid of

Ask yourself what you are afraid of

For some, committing to a relationship can be scary.  Fear of commitment can feel like you’re being pulled in two different directions, as you try to avoid making the wrong decision. Want to know what you can do about this? Here are 7 questions to ask yourself to tackle this fear and 3 tips to try.

Is my fear justified?

The first thing to check is whether you have a fear of commitment? It could be that the relationship not right for you and knowing the difference between your fears and your gut instinct can be tricky. By taking your time to explore both options, you can gain more insight and clarity.

What is it I'm actually afraid of?

There can be a number of factors that cause you to have a fear of commitment. This can be fear of losing your freedom, fear of getting hurt or abandoned and so on. Ask yourself, ‘what is it I'm really afraid of about commitment?’

Am I addicted to first dates?

Sometimes people have a fear of commitment because they have become addicted to the romance and the excitement of a new relationships and the belief that a committed relationship will not be as fun or exciting.  Ask yourself if you fit into this category? If so, ask yourself what you will lose if you never commit?

Where does my fear come from?

Think about what happened in your past that could be triggering a fear of commitment. It could be a past relationship or how you experienced love in your childhood that’s causing you to avoid committing so you don’t get hurt again.

When am I committed?

Also think about things in your life that you are committed to; hobbies, personal goals, your career, etc. Ask yourself what the difference is between this and a relationship? Your answer will help you realise your limiting beliefs and then you can ask yourself when you decided that commitment was something that did not serve you in relationships. This may also bring events from your past into focus, so you can pinpoint what triggered this fear.

What am I giving my focus to?

In relationships, like in life, if you spend most of your time focusing on what’s wrong, you will be unhappy. Ask yourself what percentage of your time you spend focusing on what’s not working in your relationship and how much on what’s going right? 

What’s the worst that can happen?

When you think about commitment what images do you see in your mind? If they are negative, change the image to something you would like to see instead. Take this positive image and make it rush toward you, breaking through the negative image and replacing it. Keep repeating this process until the negative image and feelings have gone.

Correcting the imbalance.

If you have events in your past that are having a large impact on committing, then there’s no substitute for getting professional help, but there are a few things you can try to lessen the impact of the fear. 

Make a regular habit of focusing on all the things about your significant other that you like and list all their positive qualities. If you find yourself focusing too much on the negatives, ask yourself if you have demonstrated the qualities and behaviours you don’t like in your life.

Move your eyes.

Think about some of the events in your past that created your fear of commitment. Look straight ahead while thinking about these, and allow your eyes to move slowly from left to right passing between the bridge of your nose. Keep repeating this left to right process for as long as you need and you should notice the intensity of the emotions get less and less. 

Enforce the positives about commitment.

Imagine all the times you felt great with your significant other. Choose one of them and pay attention to the pictures, feelings and sounds that go with it. When you have fully connected the feelings, squeeze your fist to create a link between the emotion and the gesture and as the emotion fades release your fist.  Keep repeating this with all the other powerful positive times to build up the link.

After doing this a few times, test it by squeezing your fist. Notice what you feel. If it’s strong enough, just the act of squeezing your fist will bring up a positive feeling about being with this person.

Try these and you may find that after a short time your fear will become clearer and easy to solve. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Christopher Paul Jones, aka The Breakthrough Expert, is a therapist based in Harley Street who specialises in helping people let go of their fears, anxieties and even their phobias; from a fear of public speaking to anxieties around work, Christopher has helped 100s of people ‘let go’ and get their lives back. He even cured his own morbid fear flying, to the extent he was able to take a sightseeing flight through the Pyrenees – strapped to the OUTSIDE of a helicopter!

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