Nick Jankel is a relationship and couples coach. His philosophy is to work both singly and in pairs, with one aim, which is to establish a positive element to every challenge which will ultimately help to have a greater understanding of the relationship and each other. He works with people to avoid wanting to walk away and helps them to see the chances to try and make things work. He believes it is important not to fall into the trap of habit forming based on parental styles and he encourages them to have a future that they can both work towards and agree upon. Nick is trained in conflict mediation and he aims to turn couples' challenges into opportunities.
Relationships on Female First
What kind of psychological challenges can couples go through when they move in together for the first time?
There are three key challenges. Both juicy ones to engage with and grow through. The first is moving from 'my space' to 'our space'. People never do things the way we want them to - the use the special wine glasses that break easily (and break them); leave the toilet seat up; dont believe in cleaning out pubic hair from the shower - and this can be quite a challenge for people used to having things their way after living on their own. Flat mates can be easier to deal with than live in lovers. A second challenge is financial. By living together you are pooling your resources somewhat, so decisions on how to allocate those resources can expose major differences in your priorities and belief systems. Finally, moving in together can often be a proxy for marriage in this day and age. And marriage is the trigger to a new series of conflicts as we start to expect our chosen partner to meet all our emotional needs, which brings up a lot of 'stuff' from the past that can really make life interesting!
What is the best way to overcome these?
Its a bit of a lame truism but it is always about communication. Above all it is vital to learn to share gripes in an elegant and responsible way (ie the other person does not feel they are being blamed or told off, so they dont get defensive) BEFORE they become touch points for arguments.
How can moving in together alter patterns in their sex life?
Just as marriage does. Things change inevitably. We become comfortable with the other, more intimate. Some of the sexual excitement from dating can be felt to be 'lost'. But this is merely an invitation to deepen sexual intimacy and push further into more emotional love-making - for those who want to and arent afraid of it!
One dilemma couples may face is not making the time they have together meaningful anymore as the other person is always around. How important is it to still make special time for one another?
Vital. At any age. Married or not. I urge once a week a date night. Doesnt have to be going out - but take it in turns to 'curate' an awesome experience for your lover each week.
What are the best activities (other than sex!) to do once you move in together to stop the relationship going stale?
Share ideas, feelings, worries. Go deep. The deeper you go, the more you grow. When both of you are growing, it can never get stale.
To what extent is it important to still see other people, friends and family?
Of course. Noone likes a co-dependant couple. It is also important to connect with other people to have new things to talk about with your mate.
It may take some time to adjust, what if it is just not right, what could be the warning signs that it is not going to work?
In my work, conflict usually means the relationship has real potential. But then you have to both decide you want to work through the inevitable issues that come up with intimate relationships. It may seem counter-intuitive but it is actually more worrying if there is no conflict, no passion. If you just become room mates, it may mean its time to find the spark somewhere else.
When a couple has a fight and nowehre to go, other than another room in the house, what is the best thing to do to break the tension?
One of you has to suck it up and open up the conversation again. An apology - from the heart - is a pretty damn good way to melt tension away and get you guys connecting again.
If you had one picee of advice for couples newly living together what would it be?
Talk (about your inner life), touch and tell them you love them each and every day. No matter how knackered you are.