Haley asks :

Hi there,  

I need your help. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and all he wants to do is go out to the pub with his friends. 

I enjoy going with him when I can, but we work different hours of the day and on my days off he doesn't want to spend them with me, he would rather go out. 

I have spoken to him about it and how lonely I feel, and he says he will calm it down, but he doesn’t, and we always end up back at the beginning. 

I'm reaching my breaking point and I do love him with all my heart, however there is only so much I can take. Another thing. I have always wanted to move away from my very small home town, and he does not. He always says he will support me and not stop me from doing what I want in life, but I feel like this small town is more important than me. 

He has two dead end jobs and we live in a tiny flat, so I don't know why he wishes to stay here, however I don't want to leave him. I don't know what to do. Thanks for helping. Haley.


Yin says:

He says he will calm it down

He says he will calm it down

Hi Haley,

Actions speak louder than words- if he says he will ‘calm it down’ and he hasn’t- it sounds like isn’t committed to making any changes. The proof is in what people do- not what they say they will do.

If he likes to go out on your days off- could you suggest doing something together to avoid him going to the pub? Perhaps you need to break the habit to show him that there are other things in life.

It sounds like you might have more ambition than he does. It seems that you want to move away and see more of the world where he is happy to stay put. If this is what you really want, and he is intent on things remaining as they are- you may need to break way and do some things on your own. If he says he will support you- then he should stand by whatever you decide if he means it.

He sounds like someone who likes predictability and the safety of familiar surroundings- he seems to be happy living where you currently are. Whereas you sound like someone who wants to take chances and have more variety in your life.

It’s possible this relationship isn’t for you. You say you love him and I’m sure you do- but perhaps you are just too different. If you stay with him, you may end up resenting him if you feel that he holds you back from doing the things you want to.

If you have itchy feet- perhaps you need some time apart to let him carry on as he is while you do the things you want to do with your life. It’s possible that you need to get it out of your system before you settle down properly- while he doesn’t appear to have the same urge.

Ask yourself- could your relationship survive long distance if you were to go off and do other things? Or are you are better off calling time on your partnership altogether if you fear you will always be headed in different directions? Only you will know deep down what the answer to this question is.

Yang says:


From what you’re telling us, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t take you very seriously at all. It may be time to start giving some serious ultimatums – and following through on your threats if he doesn’t decide that being with you is of the upmost importance. A relationship is all about give and take, and all he seems to be doing right now is taking as much as possible, and seeing how much he can get away with.

In the same token, thoughts about moving away could be clouding your judgement entirely. It’s all very well and good saying that this is what you’d like, but if he seriously doesn’t feel ready to make the jump of his current situation, then perhaps you also need to think about his needs. Do you really want to move away, or is it more about getting him away from the situation where he can go out with his friends for days on end, and spend little time with you?

The pair of you have been together for three years, and should really be able to sit down and have an adult conversation about all of this. Lay out a plan and stick to it. The first one to break away from that plan – if that is indeed either of you – needs to learn that they cannot get away with their actions. You’re a team; you’re supposed to work alongside one another, rather than against each other.

Your resentment for your partner is brooding and you need to let it out, or it’s going to eat you up from the inside. Don’t let your feelings rot away inside you and be honest with your boyfriend. You don’t want to leave him, but you don’t want to stay in a relationship where you are getting nothing in return for your love.

In the end, it’ll come down to following both your head and your heart. Lay out a plan, and see if you can stick to it. If not, it may be appropriate to call time on this relationship.

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