Anonymous asks:

Hi, my boyfriend is a cross dresser.

He was honest about it and I go to his house where he dresses up and we sit and watch movies just like we would when he is dressed as ‘he’. 

He does his make up and hair and dresses up but still talks the same. 

He still lies about it when he wants to be alone. We don’t go out anywhere really because he likes to dress up. 

So I guess I just find it quite one sided and don’t get why he lies to me. 

Why does he prefer to dress up than spend time with me?


Dominique says: Hi there,

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Reading your question it sounds to me like you have more than one concern in your relationship that are potentially blending into each other. Have you taken the time to think for yourself if these are separate worries that need to be addressed on their own or if they all stem from one larger issue?

That your partner was upfront about cross dressing from the start is a good sign; it suggests he wants you to be involved and values your support. It also indicates that it is an important part of his identity and therefore an important part of your relationship. I wonder therefore, if it is something you have actively thought about and discussed together how it plays into your relationship dynamic? You mention you go round to his and he will be femme-presenting; was this something you agreed on together and are both happy with, or did it just become the defacto arrangement?

This isn’t to say that you should be determining specific times or days for it, but rather that you are conscious of how this contributes to your relationship. Have you spoken to him about how or if he would like you to be involved? Is it something he does for himself privately or does he actively want you to be a part of it? For example, does he want you to address him differently (names, pronouns etc)?

Even if you have had this initial conversation, this dynamic is ongoing and therefore both of your needs may have changed. It is possible that starting or continuing this conversation will help him feel more comfortable about going out together and it might be that he currently feels the need to hold back and lie because he doesn’t know he can communicate his needs.

Respect his decisions but know that your own needs are also valid. You have the right to not be lied to and to do activities with your partner you desire. Ultimately, there has to be a mutual agreement between you about what you both want and if you are both happy to meet those needs.

In order to do this, you need to spend some time with yourself figuring out what makes you comfortable and happy. I would suggest writing everything down as this is both a helpful evaluation process but also will help guide the conversation with your partner. Talk to him and find out what is going on from his perspective.

Be kind to yourself and each other when having this conversation, it likely won’t be easy to begin with, especially as it is so personal. So forgive each other if things don’t come out right straight away. If you both care for each other and have good intentions then communication will become easier over time, it might just take some getting used to. Ultimately only you and him can know and decide what you need individually and as a couple.

Dominnique Karetsos is from the School of Healthy Pleasure

tagged in

Need Help?

If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.