Ashleigh asks :

Hi Lucy, 

I am a 21 year old female and met my boyfriend at New Year this year. I love him very much and he loves me. I find it very difficult to stop controlling him and often tell him not to go places with friends and feel paranoid and anxious if he is out with friends in case he meets someone else. He would never cheat on me he has assured me of that however I just feel like I need to control him and keep him to myself which isn't me at all. I haven't ever met a man like him and I've never been as serious with another man as I am with him and I think this may have something to do with it. I fear for our relationship if my behaviour carries on. Please send me your advice.


Hi Ashleigh,

I'm anxious when he goes out with his friends

I'm anxious when he goes out with his friends

It sounds like you believe you have a good thing and want to hold onto it tight. There is nothing wrong with appreciating what you have, which can often happen in a new and serious relationship, however this appreciation might be misinterpreted by your partner if you try and control him and his actions.

There could be two things going on here. The first could be a trust issue; however you seem to believe that he loves you, you mention that he would never cheat on you and that he has confirmed this.

If you trust him, then it could be something more internal. If you lack confidence in yourself then that could also explain why you feel the need to grasp onto him. If you don't think that you are the best person for him and he could find someone better- then perhaps you need to work on your own self worth to prove that you might just be the one for him. Find the route of this insecurity and try to explore ways to tackle it. Remember- he could leave at any time- but he hasn't- so this in itself should give you some indication of how he feels for you. 

You can't change others- only yourself, so perhaps you need to find ways to cope differently to when he goes out. Maybe you could try and keep yourself busy while he's out by going out with some friends or your family for instance, then he will be back before you know it. Just as you need time with your friends- he does too.

The strongest relationships are those where the couple spend both time together and apart. Couples need time with others, mostly, so when they return to their partner than can have something to talk about. It is a good thing for your relationship not necessarily something to be concerned over, so long as there is a balance between the two.

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