Sophie asks :
I’m having issues with trying it on with my boyfriend. When I try and have sexual intercourse, I end up pulling away. It doesn’t make it any easier with him having a low sex drive and he’s always tired because he starts work really early hours of the morning. I end up getting so nervous and worked up about it. I don’t know what to do…
It seems like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have sex. It sounds like your boyfriend’s lack of interest has made you feel like you have to be the one who always initiates it. This could be why it is making you feel so anxious. The responsibility doesn’t lie just with you.
If your boyfriend is up early, you could start by going to bed with him. It may not be your usual bed time, but it could signal to him that you want some time together.
You could use this time for intimacy but not necessarily sex to begin with and see where it goes. If you are already in bed, cuddling, kissing and being close to one another, the sex might happen naturally.
What I would suggest is talking to your partner about how you feel. It seems you both have your own reasons for not having sex and it might help to talk about why you feel nervous about your sex life and why he has a low sex drive.
Sex is just as much as about an emotional connection as it is a physical one, so if you feel you can be open and honest with him- the sex might come more easily once the barriers are removed.
It feels like you’re putting way too much pressure on showing your boyfriend a good time. How about him making some effort with you? It could be that he’s going through some of the same anxieties that you’re dealing with, or it could be that, as you say, he’s got a low sex drive.
What you need to come to terms with is- just because he’s not sleeping with you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or find you attractive. If that IS something you’re seriously questioning, then you need to sit down and have an honest and open conversation with your boyfriend.
Yin’s advice about going to bed at the same time as your boyfriend is the perfect opportunity to try and switch things up, even if it’s just once or twice a week. It shows you’re making an effort to be close and intimate with your boyfriend, and there’s nothing that massages a man’s ego more than having somebody make an effort! Sometimes, you just have to be a bit more obvious and point it out to them than you’d like…
Though it’s easier said than done, you need to remove all pressure from the situation. Don’t tell yourself that your partner is pulling away, but at the same time, don’t make excuses on his behalf. Open the discussion and be as truthful as you can be. The rest should follow naturally.
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.