Rosalie asks :

About 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend because we had been having the same problem over and over again - he wouldn't talk to me if I'd upset him. 

Now we both have new partners, but I think I regret ever letting him go. We are both at university in our final year and our exams are days away we may never see each other again after this year. 

It breaks my heart thinking that I have done this, and I don't know what to do, please help.

 

Yin says:

We may never see each other again after this year

We may never see each other again after this year

Hi Rosalie,

The first thing I would say is it might be best to put this in a mental ‘filing cabinet’ until after your exams are over. If you are in your third year of university- your exams are hugely important so it’s important to stay focused on those for now.

Once they are out of the way- then give yourself the thinking space for your relationship. If you had the same issue over and over again- chances are if you got back together- this wouldn’t change- leaving you feeling the same way as before. In other words, you could be taking a giant step back.

There are always regrets after a relationship is over, but it sounds like you ended it for good reason.

If you both have new partners now- then it sounds like you are both making the effort to move on.

Are you thinking about your ex because your current partner isn’t a right fit for you? Perhaps they lack in the areas your previous boyfriend excelled in which is making you focus on the parts of your relationship that aren’t a good fit?

The last year of university is very stressful, so perhaps some of your exam angst is making you worry about the other decisions you have made in your life. Perhaps you need to trust that you made the right choice at the time. But even if you don’t- deal with it after your exams are over and tackle one thing at a time to give yourself a fighting chance.

Yang says:

Hi Rosalie,

It’s time to put things in perspective. Your break-up was six months ago, and both of you are making a clear effort to move on. In saying that, if you still feel like you’re missing your ex, even when you’re with somebody new, it may mean that you’re not in the right place to have a relationship at all right now. It’s not fair on you, and it’s certainly not fair on the person you may be using as a rebound.

In a perfect world, you’d be able to spend the next few days focusing solely on your university work and getting the degree that will set you up for life. Of course, that’s easier said than done, and so you have to take some huge and positive steps to ensure that you have the best chance of achieving that.

There is somebody out there for everybody, and with the problems you’ve been telling us about that you experienced in this relationship with your ex, it doesn’t look like he is the one. He seems to want the “perfect relationship” – something that doesn’t exist – as he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to talk to you when you’ve upset him. That doesn’t make for a healthy partnership, and so you’ve got to now focus on putting as much energy and time into loving yourself and working on yourself as you did within that relationship.

You’ve got this! Don’t be afraid to take risks, but start moving on. And good luck with your exams!

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