Anna asks :

Dear Lucy,

I have worked with this man for a year. We flirt all day every day and for as long as I've known him I’ve been attracted to him, has also attracted to me but has married. On Friday we had a work party and I stayed in his hotel room and we had sex. There was no awkwardness between us and it was very good. After we had finished I got very upset with what had happened and he told me not to do that to myself and began to tell me some things. He said him and his wife of 2 years had separated this year for a while but decided to try and work things out, he said that his wife doesn't sleep with him very often and only does it to keep him happy, he also said a few weeks after they married she told him she cheated on him before they got married and he said if he knew he would never have married her but she was pregnant. I've beat myself up about it all weekend and when I went to work today we had to act normally as we don't want people finding out. I'm really confused as I don’t want to carry on sleeping with him but my feelings after Friday had been confirmed, before if just shrug it off as just flirting. I don’t know what to do. He's said he won’t ask me to do it again but if has unhappy I think he will, even though he said he won’t for his daughters sake. I don’t give my feelings away too easy and have been single for 4 years, we get on very well and that night we spent together wasn’t just sex and goodbye. He comforted me when I was upset and asked me to stay with him , he also told me very private things which I honestly don’t believe are the cliché married man trying to justify what he did comments. We see each other every day so why would he tell me that if I was just sex to him?


Our Reply

Hi Anna, 

If they had separated and got back together only for him to sleep with you, then it might not be working between them. Think about it from her perspective, would you want to be in her shoes? It might be best keeping out of it until he confirms things are over with her and see what happens from there.

You are right to act as normal at work as getting more people involved will only complicate things until you know what is going to happen, if anything. If he really cares about you and wants to be with you he will make the move and end things to start a new beginning with you. If you feel guilty about it after one night, it could feel much worse if this was a regular thing while he is still with her.

You might be best taking a back seat on this as you could end up getting hurt through to his indecision. The sex might have been good because you have been single for 4 years, if he has not had sex with his partner in a while and the flirtation had reached its crescendo- all of this could have made the experience heightened.

If he has opened up to you it could just be that he needed a kind ear if he has not had someone else to talk to for a while. It could be a number of things but you won’t know anything until you ask. Perhaps try to make things easier and simpler for you both and deal with one relationship at a time. 

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