Hi, I want to start off my saying that I know I'm a bad person for all of this.
I love my partner but I've developed feelings for one of our mutual friends.
I haven't told anyone about this and would never tell the mutual friend because they have a partner that they love very much and I can't ruin that.
I'm being so selfish. I have the perfect partner (we've been together for nearly five years) and they treat me so well, but I feel heartbroken seeing our mutual friend with their partner.
I am also happy for them as well of course.
I think me and my partner are compatible in everything apart from intimacy.
This is part of why I also feel guilty because I rarely really enjoy our physical life but often think about our mutual friend in an intimate way.
My partner doesn't deserve to be deceived like this. What should I do?
Should I tell them? Should I maybe try talking to them about an open relationship? (I have also considered I might be polygamous but I don't know)
This is my first relationship so maybe I'm just self-sabotaging?
Sex and relationship expert Jessican Leoni said: “I would love to know how old you are because this would help me to assess your situation far better. I suspect that you are in your early 20s, given that you have been with your partner for five years and this is your first relationship.
“Let’s start with the bad news: there is no future for you and your partner. If the intimacy is not right, I don’t imagine it will ever be, no matter how much you both try to improve as lovers and find some kind of compatability. Being brutal, I don’t think you fancy your partner - they are your best friend, not your lover. The kindest thing you can do to your partner is tell them this and try to move on from this relationship. You’re right: your partner doesn't deserve to be deceived like this. I do hope you can salvage your friendship in doing so, but I wouldn’t bank on it. Your partner sounds like they are wonderful so hopefully they will forgive you. They must know, too, that the relationship is unsustainable with your intimate life so bad.
“Now let’s deal with the issue of your mutual friend and your sexual feelings for them. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I don’t think you are a ‘bad person’, as you describe yourself, I just think you are a young person embarking on life’s journey and finding your feelings are conflicted. It is perfectly normal to develop feelings for another person, particularly when you are young and have only been one person and that relationship has lasted for five years (a long, long time when you are in your early 20s). I think you need to get out of your current relationship and play the field a little. You think you might be polygamous, which is posh way of saying that you want to see more than one person at the same time. There is nothing wrong with being polygamous: lots of people are, particularly in their late teens and early 20s. They are discovering the joys of sex and falling in and out of love for the first time and don’t want to be tied down to one single relationship. I really don’t see anything wrong with that. As long as you are not lying and deceiving your partners, why don’t you sleep around and find out what works for you? Lots of people grow out of polygamy and eventually look to settle down with one partner, while others continue to have multiple partners for the rest of their lives. Each to their own - I make no moral judgements.
“Finally we need to deal with the question of your mutual friend. Clearly you really want to sleep with them. Expressing those feelings could destroy your friendship with them and their partner. I would be surprised if they were interested in an open relationship but I have never met them. What I suggest you do is get out of your current relationship and start dating again. Tell your mutual friends about your polgamous lifestyle and see how they react. If they are intrigued, then by all means make a play for your friend. If they are horrified, you know you would be wasting your time in suggesting it.”
Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com
tagged in agony aunt
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