Sinead asks :

Hi Lucy,         

I was seeing a guy for a few weeks and all was going really well, we got on brilliantly and talked all day everyday even texting at work. I hadn't gotten on so well with anyone so quickly and things were fantastic. Unfortunately a few weeks in he realised I smoke. I had never hidden it and had not noticed I didn't smoke when I was with him. After finding out I smoke things got a bit cold. Through text he informed me his brother had died of lung cancer and couldn't be with someone who smoked as he would always worry he would have to go through it again. I told him that I was planning on giving up smoking, which was true and I had items to help quit smoking. And that this was the push I had needed to just do it and not put it off. But he said that this was all very serious and dramatic and that we should just end the whole thing. I have now been off cigarettes for 2 weeks and honestly don't even want another cigarette. I still think about him and miss him a lot. I'm just wondering how to proceed? Do I just cut my losses and try get over him? Or maybe in a month or so send him a quick text saying that I've been off cigarettes for that period of time and wanted to thank him for giving me the push I needed, in the hope that maybe we can get talking and see if things could start up again? Or is that crazy?

Hi Sinead,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

It is understandable that he does not want to risk going through the hurt of losing someone else he cares about to cancer.

The proof is always in your actions and if you have given up for two weeks that is a really positive start- however, you might find yourself falling back into old ways- so perhaps you could leave it longer until you potentially get back in touch- as he might suspect that it's a short term thing.

If you are missing him and you had a great connection then he is probably missing you too, it may have been a little harder on him as he was the one who broke it off, however he had a firm reason for doing so. This might make him believe he has no option but to stick to his decision.

The reality is; if you were to get back together and you happen to have a moment of weakness and you have a cigarette, even just one- this could have massive repercussions for your relationship. It is not just like having a take away on a Friday night and you then eat healthily the next day- it sounds like it is more serious than that in his eyes. It is an addiction after all.

He may see any relapse as not just a temptation that you have given into but also a disregard for your health and a lack of respect for his wishes. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself if you have a pattern of quitting and then smoking once again.

You could suggest being friends again, however even that is a strong bond that could be broken at the puff of a cigarette.

Perhaps it would be better to find someone who is a bit more understanding of your past. It is really positive that he has been a good influence on your attitude towards your health- however he might just be that. You should always quit a bad habit for you- not because someone else wants you too or chances are you won't stick to avoiding your cravings.


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