Laura asks :

Hi Lucy,

Should I stay with my husband even though I don't fancy him anymore? My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 2. He is a wonderful man - caring, considerate and loyal, however I just don't fancy him anymore. There has never been any major sexual chemistry on my part. Sex has always been something of a chore on my part; I do it to keep him satisfied. We have tried everything (role play / sex toys) but nothing seems to get me in the mood with him. I am increasingly finding myself desiring other men. I fantasize about what it would be like to have a fulfilling sexual relationship, and these thoughts seem to be consuming my mind at the moment. I have not acted on these thoughts. I am still (relatively) young and at 31 I am starting to question whether I can go the rest of my life with someone I do not desire. As far as I am aware my husband believes my disinterest sex comes from a low sex drive, as opposed to my not desiring him anymore. What should I do? Should I stay with him knowing this desire may never be fulfilled? We do not have children at the moment. Yours Sincerely Confused & Frustrated

Hi Laura,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

Although being ‘caring, considerate and loyal’ are wonderful attributes in a man, in any relationship there still needs to be some element of physical attraction, otherwise you are simply friends sharing a house.

If this is becoming increasingly difficult for you now, then chances are it won’t get better but worse, the longer you crave sexual satisfaction. If you have not acted on it yet, then if the thought is crossing your mind you should probably talk to him about it.

It is not going to be easy as he might take it as rejection, so maybe approach the subject during some relationship counselling so the situation can be maintained and he is more likely to hear you out. This is a very sensitive subject for men, so you might be met with some resistance.

The worst thing could be to start having an affair as this would complicate things even further, when it sounds like you are already at a bit of a crossroads.

If you haven’t been able to increase your sexual drive for your husband with the aid of sex toys and role play, then it may be that you have exhausted a lot of options to regain the spark. That said, you admit that sex has always been a ‘chore’ for you, so maybe you were never all that attracted to him and hoped that it would come with the longevity of your relationship?

If you have no children right now then there is one less thing to consider if you were to leave, however be mindful that if you do find sexual satisfaction then it might not come in the same package as your husband. Ideally you could find someone who gives you a happy medium; however you might have to sacrifice some of the things you appreciate in your husband’s personality for the sake of better sex.

Whatever you decide- perhaps consider if the roles were reversed- would you want to know if your husband was not attracted to you anymore? If so then perhaps extend him the same courtesy and who knows you mind find that there is someone out there who ticks both boxes. 


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