Jenny asks :

Hi Lucy,

I am with a man who is 25 years older than me- he is 75. We can't see eye to eye on lots of things (mainly due to his age I think!)

It was his idea to move in with me and my child; he does take over a bit! I nearly ended it last year but I couldn't (he cried) and not long after that I had to go in to hospital and he was so good to me and my son. I have been trying but he moans about if I stop out a bit longer with a friend having a coffee, and gets so jealous with other men, and he says I have everything my way (no way) !!!!!.

He doesn't take me out at night; I even think he doesn't like me being with my friends. We don't have sex much, I had a hysterectomy, but he doesn't cuddle me or kiss me at all, think he wants me to do it!

 

He does help a lot with the bills I don't work due to my M.E. and other problems, but I feel bit like I am trapped. I have had a few bad relationships in the past and sort of feel safe with him but I know it’s not right, I feel like I am going mad! Please help me if you can! Thank you, very best wishes xxxxxx

Hi Jenny,

I feel safe with him

I feel safe with him

It sounds like there is a lot of things going on here that are making you swing back and forth in deciding if this relationship is good for you or not.

Perhaps the reason he is jealous of other men is the age difference- he may be fearful that you are going to leave him for someone closer to your age. This might also explain why he 'takes over' if he feels that his relationship is out of his control because of the age gap, especially after you threatened to leave him.

It seems like one of the positives in your relationship is him being good in a crisis, like when you were in hospital however not with the day to day things like simple intimacy, which sounds like something you miss.

Feeling safe in a relationship is a good thing, however you also say you feel 'trapped'- this coupled with him 'taking over' sounds restrictive for you and your child. You have also mentioned a sense that it's not right- perhaps it's time to trust your gut on this one if this is the second time that you have wanted to leave.

Have you considered counselling? Perhaps you need to talk to a professional and deal with each of these aspects of your relationship one by one and try to find some middle ground. If he doesn't see the pressure you feel he has been putting on you, then it might take an outside source to make him realise. Similarly, you can talk about why you think he's uncomfortable with you seeing your friends.


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