Anonymous asks :

Hi Siobhan, 

My husband of 19 years cheated on me with my friends. We separated nearly three years ago and for the last year I have been seeing the most fabulous man. 

He is literally the male version of me and I adore him. We have planned ahead for different treats through the year and it all seemed perfect. Then my trust issues or instinct made me check his phone. There was a message from someone and they appear to be discussing body to body massage. She is obviously a sex worker as cost and extras, but not sex, have been costed. I literally adore this man. We have a fabulous physical and emotional relationship. I don't understand why he would go elsewhere. Do I just accept this is him? I can't imagine being without him and although I've been cheated on in the past, this feels very different. What do I do?


Hi Anonymous,

Do I just accept it?

Do I just accept it?

Although you say that the relationship seems perfect, there is usually some doubt in the partnership. This will cause us to act suspiciously. I’m assuming this is not something you have done regularly, despite your previous experience causing you to have some trust issues, which are understandable.

In a relationship, we want various needs met, namely emotional and physical. Often we enter a sexual relationship with someone we may have formed a close emotional bond with. It is not commonplace however to have an open discussion about our sexual preferences and desires.

Often we accept our sex life for what is dished out, but are afraid to ask for exactly what we want.

Although you may feel entirely satisfied, there is room for you both to have an even more enjoyable and fulfilling sex life. It seems as though there are some things he would like, but may be afraid to ask for.

It appears that you both may have been reserved towards one another in regards to speaking honestly and openly about what is it that really turns you on.

I would invite a discussion with him where you can explore each other’s fantasies. Perhaps arrange a romantic evening at yours where you plan to arouse him, dress up more than you usually would, plan a meal, have a couple of glasses of wine, get him relaxed maybe even buy some massage oils.

Run a bath you can share together, or take a shower. Ask him what his fantasies are, and share yours. Tell him you’d really like to explore and fulfil his fantasies.

If you feel more comfortable saying this through a text then do that. Tell him you adore him, that you feel you have a really strong connection, and you’re curious about exploring your sexuality further with him. That you really want to know what turns him on.

The good news is he is not having sex with these sex workers, and I’m sure he would prefer to have these massages from the woman he cares deeply about.

Perhaps he may not want to ask you for these things, and it is far easier for him to go to a paid worker, where he can express his sexuality fully. I wouldn’t turn a blind eye to it, but it also doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship.

I think this offers an opportunity for you to bring about this discussion. At the point, you have had this discussion, perhaps give him an erotic massage. You can then raise the subject, and admit to him that you had a hunch and checked his phone. You could tell him that you did discover he has been seeking pleasure elsewhere, and if you are willing to continue developing your relationship or not.

It's important that some boundaries of respect are set. It sounds like him seeking pleasure outside of your relationship is not something you feel comfortable with. It seems you would much rather he expresses to you his sexual desires, and if it is within boundaries with which you are comfortable with- you would be happy to fulfil. It sounds like you will not place any judgement on him for his desires but instead you feel it will make you closer and stronger as a couple.

By Siobhan Copland

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