Sam asks :

Hi Lucy,


My boyfriend haven't been together long but we live together. He is extremely affectionate and loving; the only problem is the sex. He is never in the mood and when he is he won't be able to keep it up or finish. I've tried talking to him because I can't help but think it’s me. Please help.

Our Reply

Hi Sam,


A common problem in many men is erectile dysfunction whereby a man can’t develop or maintain an erection during sex. There are several things that can be done to help this, however they mostly involve medication e.g. Viagra-so perhaps try and talk to him about it and suggest he go to the doctors. Not being able to sustain and erection or ejaculate must be just as frustrating or him as it is for you- so chances are deep down he would want to get this sorted too.


Another option is counselling- often a doctor will recommend this also as it can have an impact on relationships- which in your case it appears to be so this will act alongside medication so one supports the other.


It could also explain why he is not in the mood- the anticipation of not being able to get an erection can be a passion killer- so by opting not to have sex, it eliminates the stress of knowing that he will be disappointed.


Be as encouraging as possible- men don’t react well to things going wrong with their sexual drive, so try not to make out that it is problem, just that you both have it in your power to make the sex a lot more fulfilling. Reassure him that you love him and will stick by him but that you want to be the best you can be in all areas of your relationship.


Many men will be afraid to lose their partner because of something like this so it might be wise to reinforce the fact that you still want him and will work through this together.


Try not to assume that is it you who is the cause- if he wasn’t attracted to you he wouldn’t be so loving and affectionate towards you so it sounds like he cares for you. This is a very common problem that a lot of couples go through so with the relevant help and commitment to the relationship you should be able to get through this together.

Please see an article that you might find useful:

Lucy x 

by for
find me on and follow me on

Need Help?

If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.