Anonymous asks:

I’ve just entered into an arranged marriage. 

We both started chatting, taking calls and making video calls and are now very much in love (long distance as of now).

Recently my fiance told me that she is not a virgin. I reacted shocked as I wasn’t expecting this. 

Also I asked some weird questions and I accept that I did hurt her by asking them. 

I am so hurt inside, I am a sensitive guy and I am neither conservative nor very open minded. 

Afterwards I did apologize to her and I told her she was brave and honest. She is loyal to me but she said ‘I don’t need your sympathy or your pity’.

The thing is I keep imagining her having sex with someone else and how many times they must have done it. I am not able to get it out of my head and it’s bothering me and hurting me. 

At the same time I feel bad for her as she was engaged to that guy and she just wanted to be honest with me and not hide things. 

I need help to clear my mind and then I need advice on how to handle this and comfort her as well. 

I don’t have any experience on this- maybe I just need someone to talk to and share. 

Thank you.

 

Sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni: “Wow - this is a tough one. Let’s start with you. You are about to embark on the most important relationship of your life with someone you have never met in person. You have become close through phone/video calls and now you are starting to discover your future wife’s real personality - warts and all. I can well imagine it was a shock when she said she was not a virgin. But she lost her virginity to her previous fiance - this was a serious relationship and one she anticipated was to end in marriage. You have done your best to accept the situation and admire her courage at being honest with you and not hiding things, but you are being eaten away by jealousy and dark thoughts about her previous sexual encounters. I do worry that you are never going to be able to blot this from your mind. If you proceed with this marriage, the spectre of your wife’s past will always be there. You will find it difficult to accept her and she, understandably, will resent the fact that she is not being allowed to move on and start afresh.

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

“Let’s move on to your fiancee. I would love to know more about why her previous engagement failed. Did she walk away or was it her fiance who ended it? If it was her decision to call time, I would say that you would be making a big mistake in proceeding with the wedding. If she ended this relationship, there is every chance that she will walk away from you, too. 

“From your reaction to her sexual disclosures, you do sound a little emotionally immature. I admire the fact that you are very honest about your failings. You accept that some of your questions to her were ‘weird’ and that you hurt her. It is to your credit that you acknowledge her ‘bravery’ and ‘honesty’ in telling you the full truth. In many ways, you are an admirable person but I worry that you are a little too immature for marriage at this stage in your life. I would call off this engagement and say to your family that you need a little more experience of life before embarking on marriage.”

Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com 


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