My husband won't move closer to my family- should I leave him?

21 June 2022

Anonymous asks :

I’m deeply unhappy, I’m married and have a 2 year old daughter. I moved in with my husband, which was quite far from my family. For 5 years I pleaded with him to move closer to them, however his job is specialist and there aren’t any near them. Not long ago he found a job that meant we moved closer to his family. I never really wanted to move near his family and it’s still not close enough to mine. I have supported him in his career and have only ever asked him for this one thing. He doesn’t seem to understand how unhappy I am and how much anxiety I feel how loving away from my family. Should I stay in the marriage or leave?

Sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni said: “I am used to getting some really tricky dilemmas in my job and this one is right up there as one of the trickiest. As with all really thorny dilemmas, there is no simple solution to this one and I can see strong arguments on both sides.

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“Let’s start with your husband. The first question you need to ask yourself is: do you really love him? Or is this longing to be nearer to your family merely camouflaging the fact that you don’t love him and you are staying with him because he is a provider for the family? You have given me fairly scant details and maybe I am jumping to conclusions but I suspect the second option might be the case and you are staying in the marriage because he pays the bills. Let’s look at his job. You say that he is a specialist and there were no vacancies near your family. But funnily enough he DID manage to find a job near to his family. I don’t know the geography and whether there are more opportunities where his family lives than yours but it all does sound a bit fishy and that he was never really interested in getting a job near to your family. Maybe I am being harsh but it could be that he is selfish and that is another reason why you are thinking of leaving him.

“There are good reasons for you to stay and the most important one - above anything else - is the welfare of your daughter. She is only two years old and splitting up with him and moving her hundreds of miles away from her father to be nearer to your family is going to cause all kinds of problems. Do you really want that? If you are desperately unhappy in the marriage and you think this is the only way out - and don’t really love a husband - then clearly this is an option you will have to consider, but only do so if you know deep down that your daughter will benefit from the move. Just remember all the financial turmoil of setting up a new home and the weekends where she goes to see him and is away from you. Yes, she will benefit from having your family close but think of everything she will lose by you two being apart. Do you really want to put a two-year-old through all that?

“A third option would be to put some real pressure on your husband. Give him an ultimatum: say you will never be happy so far apart from your family and set up a time limit on a move nearer to them. Maybe give him up to three years to find a job nearer to your family. This is a compromise: giving him some time near to his family, time to plan his career and also time for your daughter to grow up a little more while you try to sort things out with your husband. If he says no to this, and if deep down you know that you don’t really love him, then leave, but be under no illusions that being on your own with a two-year-old is going to be really tough. Good luck.”

Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com