Anonymous asks:

Hi, I’m scared my future partner won’t commit to a job, everything else is perfect but it’s scares me as I need security and don’t want to waste my time. I’ve been with him coming on 4 years. I am divorced, and have two children from my previous marriage. I own my own home joint with my ex husband. We are still good friends and he is happy to go halves on the house whilst the kids are under 18. 

My new partner has 4 children, he is a full time dad, however all the children are now high school age. He’s been trying to start his own business for the last 3 years but nothing ever seems to materialise. 

We live long-distance so I have to go to his house when I don’t have the kids. I’m getting to the point where I would like a future with him, as in to move in etc but I’m very worried he’s not or not willIng to be financially secure. 

He’s promised me he will get his business going etc but nothing happens. I’m not bothered about living in luxury- I just know I would resent him if I had to do all the work and he did nothing all day. 

How long do I wait? Should I give up on him? Am I being to hard on him or selfish? It’s getting me down. Any help would be appreciated thank you. I do love him very much- he is good in every other way but is it enough?


Relationship expert Jessica Leoni says: “You sound like you are a really good woman and your partner is very lucky to have you. But I do think you are right to be concerned and I do worry for your future if you commit to this man without him having sorted out his future work plans.

ableimages / Alamy Stock Photo

ableimages / Alamy Stock Photo

“Let’s look at the facts - you have both gone through splits which must have been tough for each of you with children involved. You now have six children between you, though his are all at secondary school so won’t be completely dependent for much longer. Even with the kids growing up fast - and your ex-husband helping with the childcare costs - that is a lot of mouths to feed. I really fear for you if you commit to him fully and have to fork out to feed his kids as well as your own. As you fear, resentment will grow and you will start to feel negatively towards him for not pulling his weight financially.

“The one person you don’t mention in all this is his ex-partner/s - mother/s of his four kids. Where is she/they? I would love to know if they are helping to provide for the kids and sharing the childcare. Whoever they are (I think you would have said if they had died), they will have the most valuable insights into whether your boyfriend is a grafter who really will launch that business and pull his weight on your considerable childcare costs, or whether he is a dreamer, happier at home being a full-time dad and with no real intention of going back to work. I do admire your boyfriend in many ways: it is tough bringing up four school age kids on your own and he is to be applauded for doing this. Far too many men run away from their responsibilities to children in the event of a split.

“Why do I think he might be a chancer? Because you say that he has been trying to start this business for the past three years. That is a long time by anyone’s reckoning - certainly long enough to have at least made a start of it. 

“My other concern is that you don’t live with him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I suspect that you feel warmer towards your partner because you are not with him 24/7. Imagine in the future when you come home after a hard day’s work and he is there at home expecting you to foot all the bills. You are not going to like it.

“I don’t think you should give up on him yet. You say that you love him very much and he is ‘good in every other way,’ so he deserves some patience. Give him a year to sort out his career. Either get this business up and running or find a job that will help with the family finances. If he has the skills to start up his own business (no easy feat) he will be an attractive hire for lots of prospective employers. I think one problem here is that he is wedded to the idea of starting a business (which could take years to be profitable) when a much better and easier option would be to just get a job. I am sure you don’t mind what he does as long as he is working and contributing to the family. If he cannot do one or the other (start a business or find a job) I would think you would be justified in looking for a new partner.

“I know my approach might sound harsh but the cost of living crisis is set to get worse and with six kids to feed, you don’t want to be taking any chances with a dreamer (which is what I suspect your boyfriend is).”

Jessica is a relationship expert for the dating site 

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