Anonymous asks :

I recently found messages on my boyfriend's phones to other girls. 

He's been sexting three women that I know of in inappropriate sexual ways, for most of our relationship. 

We've been together one year but known each other for ten, and we left our previous partners to be together (I was married at the time). 

We have two kids between us but my partner is currently having contact issues with his son due to a failing relationship between himself and his ex girlfriend. 

Social services are involved and my partner has recently gone on to medication to help with the stress and depression this is all causing. 

I'm very much in love with my partner, and I know he is going through an awful lot, and that's the only reason I haven't kicked him out, but how much of that stuff is really acceptable as a reason for doing what he's done? 

The rational side of me says he's done it from the start, even when he was seeing his son, so he's clearly not happy with me otherwise he wouldn't do it. 

But the part of me that doesn't want to face that thinks maybe if he gets better and everything settles down he'll realise what he has. 

I don't know where this leaves me or what to do.

 

The Good Enough Coach Natalie Trice says: I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation and it isn't a surprise that you are feeling hurt and confused by what is happening around you. It seems that you left your marriage for this man and now things aren't quite as you had hoped they would be which is really disappointing for you and I imagine it has led you to second guess your choices and feelings and that is totally natural. 

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

I can see that you are still in love with your boyfriend, and there are of course children involved which makes things even harder, but maybe you have reached the point for you to really look at what is going on and how you would like to feel in a relationship? 

What is it you are looking for in a partner? How do you want to feel and how would you like to be treated by your boyfriend?

You mention that he has some mental health issues and that he is seeking treatment, and while this is something to take into consideration, it really doesn't justify him sexting other women, be that one or one hundred. 

I am not sure what your marriage was like, or what kind of relationship you have with your ex-husband, but for most people, when we are with someone, we want to feel like equals, that both parties are invested in the relationship and that as well as feeling loved and cared for, you have some security that they really want to be with you and are happy with you and the life you have together. 

I can't tell you want to do in this situation or how to live your life, but I think that maybe talking this over with a good friend or a therapist could help you get some clarity and while it might be hard to walk away, just ask yourself - am I worth more than this and are my children worth than this?

If, everytime his phone pings, you are wondering if it's another woman, that will make you start to doubt yourself and put extra strain on your relationship as well as eat away at your self worth and confidence.  

You have to see that you deserve to be loved and treated with the same care and respect you offer your partner, and if things aren't going to change, and he is going to be in touch with other women, is that enough for you? 

You need to talk to him in a calm, controlled way to see exactly what is going on, and only then can you make a decision that will be right for you and your children, and one that will help you feel secure and able to sleep well at night knowing you are in the right place for you.

Good luck and remember just how much you have to offer. 

Natalie Trice 


tagged in

Need Help?

If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.