Anonymous asks :

I have recently met a woman (three months ago) and we are close - I would go far as to say I have fallen in love with her, and she tells me I mean a lot to her. I am a guy. A couple of weeks ago she said she had financial problems and was going to go back to her old job-pole dancing. It pays well- and she needs the money. 

Whilst there is no physical contact with the customers, the work includes nude table dancing. My initial reaction was to choke on my drink, but I really want us to build a life together and have always liked women who are in control of their lives - and this gives her control and money. 

But men see her naked, and as I said, while they cannot touch, it is playing on my mind. I can't say to her don't do it as I do not have an alternative. I don't want to exert control over her life anyway. 

Basically, I do not know how I feel about it. She is a beautiful woman and part of me is smug that guys pay a lot of money to look at a girl I sleep with. On the other hand, I like her so much I don't think it's a basis on which we can have a long-term relationship. So very confused.


Hi Anonymous, thanks for getting in touch.

Female First Agony Aunt

Female First Agony Aunt

If you really like this woman and are falling in love with her then it’s arguable you shouldn’t let her job stand in the way.

With that said, if you are feeling confused, this is something that you need to talk about with her. Chances are, she will be prepared for you to ask questions. If it can become an open dialogue between you- then you might find it easier to accept.

It may be difficult to get your head around, as it’s not what you first expect for hear when you ask someone you date what they do. However, if she is beautiful, she will probably get attention wherever you go together; even when she is walking down the street fully clothed. She might even get approached in bars on a night out, it’s inevitable that she will be noticed by other men, even if she is in a relationship with you. 

The point is, she comes back to you. It is a means to an end, like you say, she needs the money and once she has some then she can look into something else. You could even help her to find another job when the time is right. If she knows how much it means to you- she might try to change her job as quickly as she possibly can. It is however, her decision.

Why not give the relationship a few weeks and then see how you feel? It might get easier- as you get used to it. If it is still an issue for you then talk to her about it again, ask her how she would feel if it was you doing the same, so she can have some perspective on what you are going through right now. If she has had other partners while doing this job- it’s possible they had some reservations too.

If you know this is something that will always be an issue for you- this might not be the right relationship for you at this time. Could you take a break and see where you both are in a few months’ time?

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