Anonymous asks:

Am I being selfish? 

During the pandemic me and my boyfriend of six years have lived apart and followed the rules religiously- not staying over, constantly sitting apart and remaining apart outside for the last six months. 

He lives in a household with his mother who is 50 and has bad asthma and COPD breathing problems, his nan who is in her mid-70s and his sister of which is a teacher. 

Due to her health problems his mother does not work, he works in a pub and his sister is a teacher at a school. 

They have both been furloughed since March, and have barely left the house due to worry about coronavirus- which I understand. 

However, in September when the schools return, they are both returning to work, him to the pub and his sister to the school. 

It was always agreed that when they returned to work our relationship would resume as normal and I would be allowed to stay over but now they have gone back on that decision and are still refusing to let me into the house as the guidelines have not changed and the alert level is still a three. 

I have and am continuing to work from home and have contact with minimal people, but I do have other people in my household who go to work. 

I have offered everything to my boyfriend- for him to come live with me and my family, finding somewhere cheap to rent for the next few months so we can be together, taking tests, everything I can think possible but he refuses as it’s ‘not practical’. 

I am at my wits end because I don’t believe that it is fair that he and his sister can go to work in a pub and school and see over 100-200 people per day at least, and I still can’t see him when I work from home and see less people in a month then they would in one day. 

This has caused a lot of friction and arguments between us, with him resulting in telling me I am selfish because it’s not just about us. 

It could be months before the guidelines are changed or the alert level drops and I don’t know how he can expect me to carry on like this for however long with no end date in sight. 

Can you please give me some advice? 

Am I being totally selfish or do I have a right to feel upset and feel like I am being unfairly treated and pushed aside?

 

Jessica Leoni, sex and relationship expert, said: “You are not being selfish at all and I have every sympathy with your predicament. Covid is the most awful nightmare for so many people and your very sad case encapsulates the havoc it has wreaked on so many relationships.

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Image courtesy of Pixabay

“I have a little - but only a little - sympathy for your boyfriend because of his family circumstances. We all know by now that Covid is a virus that needs to be treated with maximum caution if you are elderly or have underlying health conditions - which applies to both his mother and his nan. I can understand why they are both nervous about you coming to the house. But at the same time, you are perfectly right to question why it is not OK for you to stay at the house, but it is perfectly fine for him to resume working at a pub - about as high risk an environment as it is possible to get in the present circumstances?

“Given those points, we need to look at whether there is something else going on here. You have been with your boyfriend for six years. That is a long time. You will know him better than anybody. You need to think deeply and ask yourself whether he is as committed to this relationship as you are. I make this point because you have bent over backwards to make this relationship work in the most stressful and difficult conditions imaginable. All your proposed solutions - him living with you, taking tests, finding a cheap rental - sound eminently sensible to me and he has rebuffed them all. It is obvious that you love your boyfriend very much and are desperate to get the relationship back to the way it was before Covid. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend and see if he is as committed as you. If he is, then he needs to prove his words with action by accepting one of your compromises. If he still refuses to budge you have to question whether he is truly the man for you - however difficult that is for you to contemplate. You have every right to feel upset and I think that at present you are being treated unfairly and pushed aside. Without compromise from your boyfriend, I do feel that this relationship is doomed.”

Jessica Leoni is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com 

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