Anonymous asks:

Me and my friend of 3 years have decided to have a casual relationship. 

We both discussed our likes and dislikes and have made our boundaries very clear. 

My only issue is that he keeps asking me for nudes and video chats and that is something I'm really not comfortable with. 

Every time I refuse he says that I'm not spontaneous and I need to break out of my shell which makes me feel like I'm a problem and my insecurities are getting in the way. 

I don't know if I should try to be more assertive with him or just completely leave the situation. 

Can you help?


Martina Mercer says: Hi there, having a friend with benefits can be a very liberating experience, as long as, as you have done, both parties understand the boundaries and agree on the terms. It can get messy if one party expects more of the other, whether it be a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, or pushing for nudes as your friend is doing. There is a very simple answer to this, and one I hope you bear in mind, no matter what relationship you’re in. You do not have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. This person is overstepping the line. He knew your stance on this before you began your casual relationship, and knows now how you feel about this, yet he continues to push with no regards to your feelings at all.

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

This is not ok. I’m not sure how deep your feelings run or if you have visions of a future with him, however, if the relationship is most definitely casual it’s time to be more assertive. Request that he stops asking and if he doesn’t respect your wishes, it may be time to walk away.

Some men, and women, feel that they’re helping to liberate their partner by pushing them into sexual adventures they don’t want to do. He probably enjoys sending nudes and so hasn’t taken the time to understand why you would be uncomfortable with it. He may believe that after you’ve sent the first one, you’ll become hooked and will send more and more, however, he’s forgetting that you’re your own person that’s capable of measuring your own anxiety and recognising what you’re not ok with.

In short, if he doesn’t stop when you emphatically tell him no, it’s probably best to walk away and find someone who values you and will put your feelings first.

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