Laura Jane asks :

Is he cheating? So, we've been together 3 years and it's been amazing, we've done everything together, seen the world, got our own house, helped each other find careers we're also the best of friends. However, recently I noticed a change, the sex used to be amazing- sometimes once or twice a day up until about 6 weeks ago he went on a week’s training for his now job and came back 'different'. He won't be intimate with me, he's moody, he's secretive. I then saw a message on his phone from a family friend of his who is 20+ years older. It was an explicit picture with the words "just to refresh your memory" I asked him about it and he denied it for days until he gave in and said they "may have kissed on a night out a few weeks ago as he bumped into her”. I'm not convinced and the day he received that picture he stayed late at work for 2 hours (car sales, saying the internet went down and he could process the transaction). I just went to use his WhatsApp to see he's got her under a different name in his phone book she's under a work colleagues name as opposed to her real name. Now I know alarm bells would be ringing at the start of this story however he is not the type of guy to do this he's so down to earth, honest and open with me I know him inside out, but all of these can't be a coincidence?

Our Resident Real Fairy Godmother Michelle Zelli says:

All of these things can't be a coincidence

All of these things can't be a coincidence

Dear Laura Jane,

I wish I could reassure you but am sorry to say there’s every chance you are being Gaslighted. The change in behaviour, lack of intimacy, the dishonesty, the false name... whatever’s happening it’s time to start taking care of yourself. The temptation could be to snoop and pry but that will only make you feel worse. Step back and look at yourself, what’s important to you and your relationship? If you value honesty and open communication lead from the front. The explicit picture and message on its own is enough to tell you something’s not right.

If you focus on him, you could find yourself caught up in a painful dance of anger and grief. You will behave badly, you’re triggered and hurt, likely not to like yourself very much. Even more difficult to counter is the lies, the denial, you will start to feel crazy! Gaslighting is the art of making someone doubt themselves, even when the evidence is clear. Of course, you don’t want to admit to yourself that the man you’ve trusted and built a life with is up to no good but when the evidence is this strong, you owe it to yourself to face the painful truth and make some difficult decisions.

Put yourself and your sanity first. Take time out, make space and fuel the best part of you. You need to be on your best game and feeling as strong as possible to face this unpalatable truth.

Often infidelity does most damage because we blame ourselves for not seeing it coming. We stop trusting ourselves to suss people out and wall our hearts from further connection to prevent more pain. Get support from your friends, take stock, be brutally honest with yourself - the trust has already gone - now what’s your next step? Only by taking control will you be able to see your future. I wish you strength and courage to be the best version of you in a very difficult situation.

Michelle Zelli 

Michelle Zelli AKA ‘The Real Fairy Godmother.’ is a renowned international life coach. She blends her Blue Chip board-level background with spiritual wisdom and cutting edge science and has transformed her own life from a difficult and dysfunctional childhood to a successful executive.  Michelle is relentless in her own mission for self-mastery and teaching others to find their own powerful path. This dedication has seen her train with the very best globally, and has since become a secret weapon for celebrities and CEOs worldwide. 

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MORE FROM MICHELLE ZELLI: How can I be a good friend after she ditched me for a guy?

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