Anonymous asks:

I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years and married for two years, we don't have any children. 

Over the years our sexual relationship has become almost nonexistent and I’ve started fantasising about having sex with other men (mostly his friends/work colleagues). 

I’ve spoken to him about my feelings before (not the fantasising part though!) and explained how I feel more like his housemate than his wife.

Things improve temporarily and then go back to how they were before pretty quickly. 

I feel like there is no intimacy or spark anymore.

Our relationship is otherwise great and I would never act on the fantasies. 

What should I do?

 

“I’m not sure I understand if you are motivated for change or not as this is required .. motivation is central in change in any relationship. Clearly you’ve tried speaking to him about your feelings and it hasn’t worked so I wouldn’t try that again.

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

First you need to ask yourself, how important is it to me that this situation changes and what does acceptable change actually look like? I question if you miss sex with your husband or you miss sex. Either is fine bit I am not clear which one it is. I’d also like to know if you miss sex with your husband and if it’s not coming back is that a reason for you to break up? I guess the first thing I would suggest is you do some brief sessions with a relationship therapist to sort out what it is you want, then when you are clear about that you can look at a solution.

Sexual intimacy can be brought back into a relationship if both people want that. How that happens very much depends on why it went away and the personal histories of the people involved. Part of the work may be to add a bit more spice into the relationship, or it may be to ensure that the sex feels safe, or that general intimacy has been lost and that needs to come back first. 

All of this need to be explored together with help, there are many professional therapists that can help with this exploration.

Why does your husband think the sex has dropped off? Does he have secret fantasies that turn him on that he is not sharing with you? Remember fantasies do not need to be acted on to generate erotic energy. So maybe he would find your fantasies a turn on? I don’t get the impression you both have open conversations about this aspect of your lives, which is sad. 

Your line I told him I feel more like a housemate than a wife comes across as angry and blaming. You are saying he is failing somehow. What is your side of the street, what can you change?

I would suggest that even though you wrote only a few lines there is a lot of ’stuff’ going on here and it’s time to take the first steps towards finding a solution."

Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and international speaker. He founded his two companies, Psychotherapy and Consultancy, Ltd in 1996, and Sober Help Ltd in 2018, after receiving his post-graduate of therapy in 1996, providing more than 25 years of experience in health, social care and education. Outside of his clinical work, he acts as an experienced speaker for recovery, personal transformation, and business management. An impactful workshop leader, he delivers training on a range of social care issues across varied sectors, clinical ethics and human rights.


tagged in

Need Help?

If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.