Anonymous asks:

Hi, I have been married 42 years to my wonderful husband but before we married he had a one night stand. While in lockdown his daughter got in touch for the first time and I can’t get over the fact they text each other. 

We have four other children all grown up now and they are so excited about her but I feel it’s me on one side and them on the other.

How can I think differently? She has been to our house a few times but promises to come again. 

I am house proud and want everything so right then she texts to say she can’t but my husband makes excuses for her.

 

Relationship expert Jessican Leoni said: “I really feel for you and can totally understand why you are not as excited by this huge development in your family as everyone else. I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel a little threatened by your husband’s long lost daughter and ambivalent at best about having her back in your lives.

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Image courtesy of Pixabay

“Let’s start with your ‘wonderful’ husband. I don’t doubt that he is wonderful and has been a fantastic husband to you and father to your four kids. You have been married a long time and clearly still love him more than ever, which is lovely to hear. But he could have been a lot more sympathetic to your feelings over his long-lost daughter. I get why he is so excited to have her back in his life again, but I am perplexed over his behaviour towards you and why he has not done more to reach out to you and check that you are happy to have her back in your lives. As soon as he heard from her, his first concern should have been you and how you felt about this fundamental change in the family dynamic. I don’t know exactly what has gone on and maybe he has been more sympathetic than is suggested in your letter but the impression that you give is that this seismic event has been greeted universally as a good thing and if you don’t like it, then you better lump it.

 “I appreciate it was a one-night stand and we all make mistakes but this whole problem does also beg the question - where was your husband for the first 42 years of his daughter’s life? 

“I am also concerned that his daughter is already blowing hot and cold and messing both of you around over her visits. You’d think after making the decision to reconnect after 42 years she might be a little more consistent and take her visits a little more seriously - so if she says she is coming, she actually shows up. But maybe I am being harsh because clearly she has a lot to get her head around, too, and, like you, is probably struggling with her feelings.

“I think the message you need to convey to your whole family - husband and grown-up children - is slow down a little and have a little more consideration for my feelings. I don’t think you should totally oppose her integration into the family but it should be done slowly and sensitively and with your feelings left, right and centre of your husband’s and children’s decision making as you move forward. His daughter has been away for 42 years. She could just drift out of his life again as quickly as she came back in - particularly given she is already messing you both around over visits. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen and that, in time, she comes to be a fifth child for your husband, loving step-daughter to you and a fantastic step sister to your other kids. But I suspect it is going to be a lot more complicated than that.”

Jessica is a relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com 

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