Anonymous asks:

A little over a year ago I met a guy at a wedding reception. 

At the time we were both in relationships and were not looking for anything, but we clicked. 

We kept in touch through social media as he lived in a different country. 

Eventually, I ended up breaking up with my then fiancé helped along by feelings of guilt and loneliness as he was and still is living abroad. 

Essentially, swapping one long distance relationship for what was then another long distance relationship. 

Quite a few hundred if not thousand messages, video calls, etc. back and forth later and a few disastrous if somewhat romantic trips to visit him, I started asking for more than just words, more than just promises, secrets. 

Sadly, despite having many talks with his current ex-wife or whatever she is- he wouldn't move out. 

As time passed laughter turned into tears and I grew more and more desperate. 

I explained over and over that a sexless marriage where one of the parties is essentially nothing more than a glorified housewife and a nanny is not a healthy environment for children to grow. 

I fought relentlessly to make him understand that his fears of hurting the children by leaving, though valid, were insufficient reason for him to stay on the fence, waiting for her to break it off. 

We broke up a number of times, but we'd always come back running into each other's arms shortly after. 

There were many ups and downs, but I loved him like I've never loved anyone else. 

Then after spending a weekend together in his home country and just after Valentine’s, he broke up with me as I'd pushed and pushed for him to finally move out. 

Like at other times, he sent me a message through Messenger, but this one felt different, colder, more real. 

Scared and aided by a compulsive need to have an immediate answer, I reacted like the crazy ex, but it was hopeless. 

Since then he hasn't contacted me even once, no matter how much I begged him to at least give me some closure by saying it to my face. 

Hurt and heartbroken, I deactivated my Facebook account and muted him everywhere else on social media. 

Sadly, deep down I still hope he will regret his decision because I know he really loves me. 

Also, after much reading up on the topic, I know this is what apparently every guy still in a relationship says, and that apparently I should know better than to get involved with someone in those circumstances, but it was really different. 

Besides, I'm completely heartbroken and I so desperately need to make some sense of this whole thing so that I can move on without being judged or as the saying goes 'kicked when I'm already down'.

 

Hi there,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

I’m sorry this has been so painful for you and that you have not yet got full closure about this affair. However, I have to wonder what led you into this maze of drama, intensity and dysfunction. The clue will lie in your own history.

This lover you chose has a family and yet you felt it was acceptable to persuade him that he should leave them and be with you. You chose to believe his claims that he was unhappy in his marriage and that it was a sexless union. I’ve no doubt he used the cliché about staying for his children.

This may be hard to hear, but I think you dodged a bullet. Just imagine he had cast aside his family and decided to build a new life with you. Would you really want to be responsible for causing so much pain? Do you truly think your relationship could have weathered the storm of divided loyalties and traumatised children? Relationships are not easy at the best of times. But they function far better when they start with a clean slate instead of inheriting heavy baggage.

Think positively for a moment. You’ve been given a chance to reevaluate your romantic history and life. Rock bottoms are often a fantastic opportunity to start over, super challenging though they can be.

I suspect that you may have long been drawn to high intensity, painful relationships. Remember that intensity is not the same as intimacy. The latter feels nourishing, comfortable, empowering. Whereas intensity-based relationships need drama in order to thrive. Some couples live together for decades in wild, intense relationships punctuated by huge storms and passionate making up. But they’re often very damaging. Don’t be fooled by Hollywood narratives of pain equalling love.

I’d really like to encourage you to seek video counselling to help your broken heart. Use this opportunity to unpack all of your romantic history and work out what brought you to such a vulnerable state of affairs. In time you may look back and realise that this situation was a gift in disguise.

I also suspect you may be battling a condition known as ‘love addiction’ (do Google it) whereby you give all your power away to partners and look to them to mirror your worth back at you. You don’t need to keep repeating this pattern. You deserve to be free of romantic drama.

By Rachael Lloyd at eHarmony 


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