Robert asks :
Hello Lucy,
I don't know what to do about my situation. My partner hates my mum (with good reason) but expects me to when I don't. She doesn't like me going to visit her. I don't want to upset her because I love her but at the same time I don't want her to try and control me. I don't normally complain about not being able to go out or anything but she's stubborn about this. She says she doesn't mind me going to visit but won't leave me alone when I do go and now she's trying to stop me going round on Boxing Day for a few hours. She just starts creating arguments and threatens to not let me back in my own home if I go. What should I say to her to persuade her to let me go without any more arguments?
Hi Robert,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It is always difficult when two people you love don't get along. You mention that your partner doesn't like you mum 'for good reason', so its sounds like you understand where she is coming from in her decision not to see her. If you can see things from her side of the coin, then perhaps she needs to try and see things from yours too.
Have you told her how you feel? Perhaps you need to sit down and be honest with one another. Discuss how it makes you feel to be stuck in the middle and what her worst fears are if you do go on Boxing Day or see her regularly.
She may be concerned that your mum will try and turn you against her or that you will take sides. If you can reassure her that you love her and want both your partner and your mother in your life this could put her mind at ease. If she has been left in the past by a lover or a parent, then this situation may be tainted by past events.
Maybe you could remind her that you don't go out other than to see your mum and that it's important to you that you do. Perhaps this will put things into perspective for her.
It sounds like this is a tricky conversation for you to have so perhaps some time with a relationship counsellor might help you to talk about this more productively if the suggestions above don't improve things between you.
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