Hannah asks:

My closest friend around a year ago became really close with a mutual male friend their friendship became more of an obsession on her behalf as they got to know each other and I felt really replaced. I did say to her that I was unhappy that she blew me off for him constantly and whenever we do hang out all she talks about is him. More recently they became slightly more than friends although they agreed to stop as he is moving away soon, and they didn't want to do the long distance. Today she came to me upset because she feels replaced by another female friend of his and I don't know how to react. Part of me is very angry that she doesn't realise, despite me telling her, that she has done the same thing to me but at the same time I want to be a good friend. Is there any advice I can give her or anything I can do to move past the feelings of frustration and be the friend she needs to move on from him even though she ditched me?


Our Resident Real Fairy Godmother Michelle Zelli says:

Is there anything I can do to move past these feelings of frustration?

Is there anything I can do to move past these feelings of frustration?

Dear Hannah,

It’s hurtful when a friend distances for another but it’s also an opportunity to review your own values around friendships and your boundaries. When we ‘tell’ somebody how we feel, and they just don’t get it, a useful tip is to ask them questions. This allows them to think about the situation in a different way and often with more empathy. In addition, you will also understand more about what’s been going on for her. Perhaps you could ask her “when you were spending so much time with X, I felt hurt and disappointed and I wonder how you would feel if I did the same?’ This is the part where you listen carefully and allow her to think about it from a different angle. You might be surprised about how much you learn.

Another consideration is whether this is a pattern that’s showing up in other areas of your life? Are you clear and consistent with your boundaries, letting people know in a loving way, what’s important to you and where the red flags lie? If you have abandonment in your history, it is likely you will attract more abandonment. Definitely an angle worth looking at as it would turn this painful dance with your friend into a positive game changer for you.

Can you accept your friend as she is? If not, tell her. “It really hurt when I felt dumped for xxx, are you able to understand and promise you will not do that again?” If she isn’t able to, you now have a choice whether to continue investing in this friendship, or to move on to find other friends who share your values for consistent connection and loyalty.

Remember to keep focusing on how you behave and how you feel. You cannot control another person, but you are responsible for your side of the dance and what you accept in your life.

Michelle Zelli 

Michelle Zelli AKA ‘The Real Fairy Godmother.’ is a renowned international life coach. She blends her Blue Chip board-level background with spiritual wisdom and cutting edge science and has transformed her own life from a difficult and dysfunctional childhood to a successful executive.  Michelle is relentless in her own mission for self-mastery and teaching others to find their own powerful path. This dedication has seen her train with the very best globally, and has since become a secret weapon for celebrities and CEOs worldwide. 

Find out more at: michellezelli.com.

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MORE FROM MICHELLE ZELLI: Where's the best place for me to meet my partner's parents for the first time?

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