Jenny asks :
Hi Lucy,
3.5 years ago my partner and I broke up. We stayed in contact and a few weeks later started discussing whether we could fix our relationship and get back together.
Turns out that during those first few weeks where we started talking about getting back together, he slept with a woman - twice. He says he didn't trust my intentions (I had broken it off with him, because we weren't communicating, we were drifting apart, I tried to talk to him, he clammed up..). He felt unwanted sexually, this woman thought he was great, etc. etc. Fine ok, after much hurt and anger I dealt with it and we got back together, but it took me a long time to heal.
Then a few weeks ago he told me that the woman he slept with was in fact not the woman he told me it was, but another one. While all the other details were the same, the lie has brought it all back to the fore for me and now the idea of him having sex, the feelings of betrayal, hurt etc. - are all back in my head.
Please give me advice how to put this all behind me again. It was so hard the first time..and now I just feel again so hurt, angry and disappointed. Thanks!
Hi Jenny,
Agony Aunts on Female First
If he genuinely thought that your intentions were not real the first time, then this could explain why he looked elsewhere if he needed to feel physically close to someone again and wanted sexually.
If you weren't exclusive then he may have thought this was acceptable at the time. However, given that you were talking about getting back together- it's clear why it's a grey area for you.
He lied about the woman he slept with, so was there a reason for this? Did you know her or of her? Perhaps he told you it was someone else to save your feelings? It might be worth asking why he felt the need to lie. If it was to protect you- then you may have to decide if it is forgivable or not.
It is understandable that all of your feelings have resurfaced as a result of this revelation. Perhaps some counselling might help you to explore why he felt the need to withhold the truth and how you can learn to let go of these feelings.
If you did it once- you have every chance of doing it again, however you will need to work on the trust in your relationship moving forward if it has been damaged, which means being totally honest with one another.
One thing I would suggest is instead of focusing on what's happened- try to put all your efforts into making new memories so that eventually this period in your relationship will fade and become something that you learn from.
Perhaps him sleeping with someone during your break has made you both realise that you are for each other after all and might be the thing that brings you closer together.
tagged in Partner
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